Whoever created this is a genius.

Cannot believe the Capitals lost to the Canadiens last night. Can. Not. Believe. But now that they did, the Habs must go all the way. No better way to cap off your 101st year in the league. Bruce Boudreau? Time to get back to the drawing board and figure out why your team is built for the regular season. There’s no hiding from a 1-32 power play record.

But Halak. Good God man! What a game. What a series.

Episode 214

Contracts, Playoffs and What’s In A Name? with The Girls!

Today The Girls are coming to you live from…the Today Show, where they finally have a reason to fire Tiki Barber. It wasn’t enough for him to be bad at his job, he also had to be bad at his marriage. With all these guys dropping like flies over their infidelities and assorted infractions, women are going to have to start dressing like men to play their parts. Who’s gonna be left?

Well, there’s always Tim Tebow! It’s fascinating how a quarterback who is not expected to do well in the NFL has captured the nation’s attention. Is it because he speaks his mind and isn’t afraid to stand up for that in which he believes? Or is it because no one can figure out how he isn’t crazy about hookers, Vegas and Charles Barkley? Whatever the case, Coach McDaniels is psyched he has someone, anyone, who is going to do what’s right…he hopes. But to pay first round cash for someone who may not be able to do much right on the field? Well, maybe karma will be kind to the Broncos. They’ve had a tough time as of late.

We here at Fantoo hope it all works out for everyone so that the kids (you know, the ones all those guys are always talking about in their pressers…) actually have someone to look up to who isn’t apologizing for shooting someone, driving drunk or cheating on their wife. All in all, the draft and subsequent trades made for a fun burst of NFL in Spring. Now we await the Al Davis presser where he says, “I was wrong. JaFatus Russell is an awful quarterback. I’m turning over all decisions to the front office. And I’m doing this for the kids.”

Let’s just hope that Ryan Howard doesn’t pull a Russell and eat his way though his contract extension. 25 mil a year is a lot of steak wit’.

We’re sure he’s going to continue his defensive improvement and who knows, maybe trim off a few strikeouts. Also striking out, the batters that is, is Stephen Strasburg. Which is why the Nationals fans are peeved. Can’t blame ‘em. Stinks when business and sports intersect, but alas they must.

Also in this week’s sports podcast we dig deep into why goalies who tough it out in the regular season may blow it all in the playoffs, how the Canadiens faced down their foes from the south, give you a little Cinderella NHL style in our Rookie Look, and we even talk about the NBA Playoffs. Go figure. Finally, in this week’s IT HAS TO BE SAID, we conclude that we are tres normal. So grab your shot clock, a penalty kill or two and get comfy…it’s time to talk sports with The Girls!

Episode 213

Devils, Angels and SHAQPLOSION with the Girls!

Today we’re coming to you live from ground zero of the imminent Shaqplosion. What’s that you ask? Well, that’s when Shaq is brought to his knees and exposed not by the Kobe-Shaq feud, not by the B-movie roles he’s played, not by ‘Shaq-Fu: The Return’ and not by his part-time NBA job - but by his ex-wife Shaunie. He’s taken all precautions to keep a lid on his personal life and prevent Shaunie from making him look a fool on the reality show (or with her upgraded arm candy). And that makes VH1’s tour de force, ‘Basketball Wives’, a must-see TV experience. But hey, when you live bigger than the game, you might get burned or ridiculed or lose sponsors.

Just ask Ben Roethlisberger.

how’s this for good beahvior?

Or Tim Tebow.

look at how virginal I am

The NFL must feel used - I hope these guys at least call in the morning. Scratch that. Speaking of Roethlisberger - a 6, no 4, no maybe 5-week suspension has been handed down by Roger Goodell. Um, why not just make it a solid number? Honestly, if he does not exhibit ‘good behavior’, then why wouldn’t he be suspended for LONGER? While we scratch our heads at the confusing penal code in the NFL, we hope and pray that TO will land at the Redskins and fulfill McNabb’s dreams of vengeance dominance after departing the Eagles.

The MLB is providing us with lots of drama. Already we have a fashion faux pas, a slow death of the Mets season, a tragic death to rally the Rockies and excellent play on the field. We even have one of the best wipeouts of all time, with a little humor thrown in. Easing into the 162-game season is not an option. Especially when a slice of cake lingers at the third base line.

The NHL playoffs are in full grind mode and the Sharks are proving once again that the #1 seed does not guarantee wins in the post-season. It doesn’t even guarantee that you won’t score goals on your own goalie!

We ponder the Capitals’ possible connection to steroids - could this be the tip of the iceberg? Then there’s the NHL’s possible (or probable) fraud of the citizens of Glendale, Arizona and the Donaghy-esque variations in reffing from series to series. We say let ‘em play!

Here at Fantoo, we are finally getting into the swing of the NBA playoffs. And so, it seems, are the players themselves. Smack talk, blocked shots, skirmishes, real defense and set plays. What’s not to love? How about a DJ spinning tunes during the ENTIRE FREAKING GAME in Cleveland. Jeez…and we thought basketball was a sport.

In this week’s It Has To Be Said, we discuss what real friends are for. So grab your detonator, your eye black and the rip cord…it’s time to talk sports with the Girls!

NHL Playoffs kicked off and it’s not what was expected, at least for the defending champs on home ice. The Penguins lose 5-4 to the Senators and the White Out Nation at the igloo goes home empty-handed. Good thing there’s at least 3 more games. Carol and I predict that a Penguin loss in the first round might be the upset of the playoffs. Speaking of the playoffs, what is this team still doing in Phoenix? And how are they beating the red Wings?

Episode 212


Ben Roethlisberger’s Ride, Jerry Jones’ Last Call and Allen Iverson’s Crossover with The Girls!

Today The Girls are coming to you live from the Ben Roethlisberger Experience, and let us be the ones to tell you that this ride isn’t at Disney World. Everybody will pick a side, argue that he didn’t do anything criminal, and then wait for the next woman to come forward and say he forced himself on her after one too many Slippery Nipples. It’s time Big Ben left the frat house behind and realized that it is a privilege to play in the NFL. Getting paid millions of dollars to play a game for a living is a total gift and should be treated as such.

Especially for someone like Ben who has millions more fat cells than brain cells. How about instead of a suspension Roger Goodell sends him to a women’s shelter for a weekend? If we were the Commish that’s what we would do.

Did you catch the Hollywood ending at the Masters this past weekend? Good over sleazy? Family man over family shredder? But what was up with that dude’s belt buckle? Isn’t there an ordinance in Augusta that forbids such outlandish attire? Oh, we’re just jealous. We’d love to get our mitts on that hardware.

We at Fantoo are psyched about the path Erin Andrews has helped to pave for all women who want a career on sports media. We’re super psyched that she didn’t suffer physical harm from any stalker that was or still may be out there. That said, as women, we have to question her moves as of late. First the blindfold, then the spread in People mag, then the pawing of her male co-dancers. Erin needs a den mother. Or her actual mother needs to tell her that now is not the best time to tempt fate, so maybe the blindfold isn’t such a good idea given that it’s got FUTURE KIDNAPPING VICTIM WRITTEN ALL OVER IT!!!!!

Look, we’re being selfish. We just want sports to go back to being just about sports and not about naked videos, athlete’s naked packages, mistresses, pole dancers, baby mamma rings…jeez…we’re exhausted. No wonder we can’t find the energy to watch the NBA. Until Saturday, that is! NBA upset anybody? Butler part deux? The Lakers take on the Oklahoma City Thunder. The little engine that could with one guy (Kevin Durant) who snatched the scoring title away from LeBron and another guy (Russell Westbrook) who challenges Kobe on his work ethic each and every day. If you couldn’t muster up a reason to watch the NBA all year, we’re begging you to watch this series.

These guys are the future of the league and are actually decent, regular dudes. Let’s support ‘em, and nothing against the Lakers, but an upset of this magnitude just might make the NBA interesting again. Our Fan-Tutor takes us to the ice as we await the start of the NHL playoffs, and let’s just say the NHL likes awards in multiples. We’re just hoping for all the series to go to 7 and for the finals to be epic. Oh, and for Ovie to hoist the Cup (unless it’s the Flyers). We also hit the diamond in this week’s sports podcast and give you some killer NFL updates, including Jerry Jones’ last call.

Finally, in this week’s IT HAS TO BE SAID, we discuss what will really bring about the end of days. So grab your puffy finger, the closest mascot and a cold brewskie…it’s time to talk sports with The Girls!

Ugh. They’ll probably remove it - maybe because there were about 1,000 parodies made of it within 24 hours. And some really are spectacular.

Like this one

And fortunately, there will be many, many more to follow.

The world has stopped spinning on its axis so it won’t miss a moment of Tiger Woods’ first round in Augusta. Have you called in sick so you too can watch him slowly get back up to speed? We’d watch if we weren’t too busy in therapy trying to wipe our mind clear of the image of Tiger doing his best Acting 101 in his latest Nike commercial, if you can call it that.

Episode 211

Tiger Answers, Heyward Homers and Buehrle Does What? with The Girls!

Today The Girls are coming to you live from…not striking while the iron is hot! The new book about the life and Billisms of Bill France Jr. is available NOW in stores. Gosh, if somebody could just find all those NASCAR fans that were kidnapped maybe he’d crack the Top 100 on Amazon. The Girls are bummed this book won’t find its way to the shelves of all those former fans. A little ‘retrosexual’ seems like a good antidote to what ails NASCAR. Perhaps we need less “corporate-speak’ and more colloquialisms like ‘pissin’ through the same straw’. That ought to right the ship.

No mom jeans this time!

But who can concern themselves with NASCAR when in one week we had the start of the 2010 MLB season, Tiger’s presser, the NCAA Championship game, and the trade that sent Donovan McNabb to the Washington Redskins? NASCAR, the NBA and the NHL are all asking Tiger for an apology now, too. Yes, Tiger answered the questions. Well, most of them. And he told the truth, possibly. He only blamed the media once, and - like all good athletes - he’s doin’ it for the kids. We’re not sure what “doin’ it” means in this context, but it sounds innocent. Kinda. At the end of the day no one will ever look at Tiger the same way they did pre-implosion. That’s not so bad…he’s was becoming pretty one-dimensional anyway, what with all that winning. Who knows, maybe the PGA is way more savvy than we all think. If it worked for Paris Hilton maybe it’ll work for Tiger?!

After giving our seal of approval to the trading of McNabb, we pause to give props to Brett Favre for breaking yet another record in the NFL. He is the first grandfather to ever play the game. This man will stop at nothing to inflate his legacy. Congrats, Brett. And thanks for not requiring your daughter to name the child Mangini. That would have been quite a burden.

Hey! Don’t forget to get your World Cup tickets! Just keep an eye out for those white supremacists who have vowed to avenge the death of their leader. They’ve suggested that teams ought not travel to South Africa unless they have the protection of, say, a head of state. Stab vests, ticked-off white supremacists, train tracks that go nowhere…we’re thinking we’d rather clean out the cage of a hungry polar bear than attempt that hornet’s nest.

While Bud Selig and his band of merry men are figuring out ways to destroy rivalries, the players came through for the fans as baseball came in like lion. By now you may have seen Mark Buehlre perform the remarkable feat that is unlikely to be duplicated this year, but if not, here it is.

It wasn’t just the pitchers that were in mid-season form, it was also the hitters, with the exception of Atlanta’s Jason Heyward, this week’s Rookie Look. He wasn’t in mid-season form because he has never been in the MLB in mid-season. But he killed it. On his first swing in the bigs he crushed a three-run homer. He had the start, the finish and everything in between. And he has the league on his shoulders because Heyward is going to usher in the gilded era of baseball. Wait, wasn’t Ryan Howard supposed to do that?

No matter, because as fans we win when players like Heyward, Howard, Polanco, Wright and Pujols all deliver out of the gate. In the first week of baseball we’ve got great pitching, home runs and amazing defense. And lots of stars on the DL. If the teams can stay healthy and add small ball to that salad we’re set till November. Finally, in this week’s IT HAS TO BE SAID, we demand an end to the Vortex. So grab your lightening rod, your pine tar and a real beer…it’s time to talk sports with The Girls!

Episode 210

Hard Knocks, Halftime Circuses and Banned Hits…sort of with The Girls!

Today The Girls are coming to you live from a production meeting for HBO’s Hard Knocks where we make the important wardrobe selections for Svelte Rex and his sidekick Boy Sanchez. We praise the network for giving us the F-U-N, as in the J-E-T-S! Can’t wait for training camp. Anyway, we’re still trying to talk Rex into the mesh Henley but Mark was right there with his arms up in the air saying ‘Ready to slide that outfit on ladies.’ Now that’s a gamer. After we pointed out to Rex that black can only be so slimming (and he lifted his shirt and showed us his rock hard abs), we hightailed it to the NCAA Final Four, and most importantly, announce that Carol has in fact won this year’s pool.

Robin, complaining about line items that were never in the original contract, tries to downplay Carol’s victory in one of the most unpredictable tournaments ever. If memory serves us all, she did not even utter a ‘nice job’ or ‘congratulations’. Sore loser? Or does winning not really mean winning, as evidenced by Carol still has not madking good on her loss of last year…hmmmmm.

We’re psyched to watch the Final Four, but we did have to shed a tear for the NBA as we now know it. The absolute worst thing for them at this time of year is college basketball. We all get a glimpse of how exhilarating the game can be and then we go back to basketball, NBA style. Doesn’t have much style. Especially when you consider the totally cheesy halftime garbage they put out. Really, why do we need more amped-up entertainment that has nothing to do with the game? A hypnotist? Speed Painting? A bicyclist? A DJ scratching tunes in a nightclub format? We think it has more to do with the lack of entertainment and energy of the actual product people are coming to see: ‘Amped-Up it is not.’ -Yoda

Exactly who do they think their audience is, and what are they coming to see? Please. If NASCAR can get back to its roots, so can you David Stern. And since everyone is so scared of you, perhaps you could threaten them into playing defense. Oh, and if you could cut 20 games form the schedule that would be cool. If you can’t we understand, but just know that we cut them from our ’schedule’. We’ll be tuning in around mid-playoffs.

In the mean time we’re watching the Mattress family risk life, limb and cigarette as they race on near-frozen ponds, NASCAR style. Check it.

We have a simple solution for Al Davis regarding his failed investment in JaMarcus Russell. Bring on Donovan McNabb and make JaMarcus a lineman. The dude is being marked at close to 300 pounds. That makes Jared Lorenzen look lean. With a potential eating disorder. If Al can’t admit defeat and cut him, can he at least call him out for taking the money and eating it?

Tiger is playing the Masters next week, but the real excitement is building over a real game-changing event that is sure to reshape golf for eternity. No, it’s not that former mistress Jocelyn James ‘preforming’ at an Atlanta club miles away from Augusta National. Rather, the Masters will be broadcast in 3D! Cuz golf is a perfect fit for that technology. Geek heads may have scooped up all the Panasonic 3D TVs, but us regular folk aren’t going to put on glasses to watch TV. Never. Not even for that thrilla, golf. Now hockey may actually catch on in 3D…once they solve the whole glasses thing. And since the NHL has decided that hits to the head are very dangerous there may be a few players around to keep the sport alive. We just wish they drafted the new rule while sober.

Wanna get thin but perhaps not sober? Tune in and listen to this week’s IT HAS TO BE SAID and ask yourself, What would Jesus eat? So grab your blindside, your tiny plate and a hula hoop…it’s time to talk sports with The Girls!