Just in time for your holiday weekend travels, The Girls BBQ up another round of sporting dish. The only thing missing is the corn-on-the-cob, but you can’t expect us to do everything. We’re too busy trying to weasel our way out of party invites so we can watch the Tour de France, Wimbledon, AT&T National, the Mets VS the Phillies, and some restarts at Daytona. (Apologies for thinking it was a road race this upcoming weekend - wishful thinking on our part.) So heat up the grill, crack open a cold one and get the party started with The Girls!

Episode 172

Download audio file (fantoo_ep172.mp3)

Broken Hearts, Broken Promises and New Restarts with The Girls!

Today The Girls are coming to you live from that part of the heart that few Americans knew they had…until it was broken by Brazil. The Confederations Cup was a real bright spot for American footie, even with the runner-up finish. Of course, the entire country of Spain detests us, but that’s nothing new since the invasion of Iraq.

The outcome in South Africa suggests that one year from now our country will be all a tizz. Why? Because we excel at weaving tournaments into our life as long as the bars are open and we can lie our way out of work. We’re surprised the Olympics haven’t spawned drinking games…yet. But we’re cool with it as long as they kill (or burn, blow up, drop in the ocean, vaporize) the vuvuzela. A constant sound of swarming locusts may provide feelings of comfort to some, but it is so outrageously annoying to most that the mute button will be depressed come World Cup time. Guaranteed.

Unless the vuvuzelas are banned like they were in the past. (And The Girls want to thank - bow down, applaud, revere…revere is probably a bad choice of words - Jan in England for clearing up the locust issue.) South Africa was not under attack. We apologize for any mass hysteria we may have caused.

Moving on to Lane Kiffin, or rather the 13 year-old who has committed to his program, Evan Berry. Is that a feather in the cap of the coach or simply a cute thing that kids will do? “I want to be just like Daddy when I grow up!” Which makes the following comment by Evan understandable: “It’s the only college I know right now and my Daddy went there.” Is there a better reason?

Over in the land of TO we have many things to chew on, like his tweet about being in his first wedding. No one is surprised TO wasn’t asked to be in a wedding until this past weekend. Quite frankly, we’re jealous. By now most people with large circles of influence have had to suck up many a tux and taffeta dress, but not TO. We knew there was a method to his madness. Think of all the cash he’s saved! But would it be enough to buy back his ego? Cuz he drowned it on the long jump challenge in Superstars. Robert Horry and Estella Warren bite the sand as the latest victims on the show, but who knows who will be back. The rules seems a little fluid (ratings-focused). To be fair, we’ve tried to like this show. Really. But the complete and total lack of creativity has us bored. Will we still watch? Yes. So you don’t have to. And by the way, look who’s still in and playing under the radar…

The new super-league, the NBA, has captured our fancy right on the heels of the entertaining playoffs. You’ve got your draft and now you have free agency. But did you think Shaq would be moving to Cleveland? Maybe he can remake The Flats. He can call them The Shaqs! Somebody has to so the moths and birds will stay off the mound.

Someone who may not come back to the court anytime soon is Yao. It pains us to think back to his draft…young Yao looking all scared and not understanding a word…so sad. He may be lost to the NBA but he can live on in infamy in China. As long as he stays away from the milk. And candy. And drywall. And protests. Well, you get the idea. The fact is that if a big man looks a bit off, he probably is. Guys that tall should walk slowly and carry a big stick. Not hustle it up and down the court till their body breaks, which takes all of about three months. When will they learn? For Yao, at least there is always modeling.

The Phil Liggett watch is officially here! The Tour de France, a staple of Fantoo Girls sports podcast coverage, kicks off this Saturday, and we couldn’t be more psyched. Will Lance twitter himself into a mad frenzy? Will he take a support role and help Contador don the maillot jaune? Will Phil Liggett call out Carol’s name in a fit of emotion as the lead changes on a mad-killer descent from the Alps? One redhead can only hope. As she waits, she commits to tweet the Tour until her dreams come true. (Expect the tweeting to go on for some time.)

Also in this weeks cast we thought we were going to say buy-bye to Jeremy Mayfield, cuz we assume meth and NASCAR do not mix. But apparently, he’s been cleared to drive. Just in time for the new restarts in NASCAR.

We applaud Roger Goodell as he vows to be tough on bad fashion (sweat pants at an NYC nightclub), bad gun-handling skills (a waistband is not appropriate for concealing a weapon), and bad judgment. We just wonder why PacIdiot got such a pass.

The Girls want to give a massive and feisty welcome to Chris Pronger - voted the dirtiest player in the NHL by his peers for Sports Illustrated poll - who joins the Flyers in this off-season. Chris, we know we’ve hated on you in the past. It’s simply because you shred the opposition. So forgive us. But, we have one request: don’t drink the water.

We’ve come to the conclusion that the water in Philadelphia is what strips winners of their desire to win when they arrive in our fair city. (Phillies, this does not apply to you as a whole, but it does apply to every big signing you’ve made hoping for the answer.)

Hold on tight…we’re only half way there. We’ve got your Wimbledon, your AT&T National (with Tiger saying Jim Brown who?), and…drum roll…the MONTH ON THE MOUND! Yes, ladies and gentledudes, it’s the MONTH ON THE MOUND, where The Girls get all baseball on you when you most expect it. Tim Lincecum’s mullet? On it. Albert Pujols’ continuation of hitting domination? Over it like a fastball down the middle. Dutch Daulton on his drug use? Simply cracking up. Funny and doesn’t know it - the best kind of funny.

We Fan-Tutor you on the new restart rules in NASCAR and avoid all the chatter about a secret auction for NFL overtimes. Dumb. Dumb. So dumb we didn’t even talk about it so click here if you just can’t resist. (Yet another example of what can happen when you have a rules meeting and an open bar at the same time.) Finally, in this week’s IT HAS TO BE SAID, we conclude that it’s not the cheat it’s the hypocrisy.

So grab your soul mate, then your spouse, and some ear plugs - it’s bound to get testy in there…it’s time to talk sports with The Girls!

As we absorb all this, a fresh podcast is here for delivery. Kicked off by the celebrations of the flightless birds…

Who took this picture? Mario? And why not crop the stuffed animal out? So many questions…

Episode 171
Download audio file (fantoo_ep171.mp3)

Bedding the Cup, Jumping the Shark and Sloppy Seconds Squared with The Girls!

Today The Girls are coming to you live from Sidney Crosby’s bed where we have to whisper because wittle Sidney is all cuddled up with The Cup, while his favorite stuffed animal begrudgingly sits in the cheap seats. We kid, we make fun, but in reality we’re as jealous as ice is cold. We’d give up a lot to wine and dine that majestic silver bundle of hotness that is the Stanley Cup. And then when it comes time to touch his etchings you can bet our bedroom would look a lot more swanky than this: The Cup deserves more. We imagine Ovie would take him to the Four Seasons and order up some strawberries and dark chocolate. As would we.

Scanning the world of sport, we’re mesmerized at the speed of the tennis ball, we mourn Nadal’s absence at Wimbledon, and we update you on Mr. Irrelevant. Have you heard the one about Tampax sponsoring the Jets? As in the NY Jets? We didn’t think so. But it’s not all that far-fetched. The NFL allows teams to sell sponsorships on their practice jerseys. Does that even work? Who sees that and for how long? Companies really know how to throw money away. And The Girls are here to catch it! The Girls also marvel at the sentences our judicial system hands down with little rhyme or reason. Do they pull it out of a hat?

We dish on Sean Avery’s decision that Marc Sanchez’ sloppy seconds ain’t so sloppy, till you add shots of Petron, and we wonder just who will play Dwight Howard’s foil in the new comedy, “Switch”? Great idea…basically ‘Freaky Friday’ for the hard court…but the real question is, Who’s going to play the pathetic, unpopular, white dude with no rhythm and no shot? We have a few ideas.

There is someone who is ‘with shot’, but currently without a tattooed star on his body and we have it all figured out. Terrell Owens got booted from ‘Superstars’ on the first night in totally scripted fashion, culminating in his partner, Joanna Krupa showing her thespian skills by acting out the infamous Donovan McNabb VS. T.O. sideline slap-fest, while uttering the same two curse words over and over. Had about as much drama as a scene from The Hills. Lame. Also lame? Obstacle courses. Please. Who pays these people to recycle this crap? But, fear not, as T.O. will be back…as soon as his other reality show schedule permits. You did catch the shot of him dunking, right? Mmmm-hmmm.

On the diamond, Donald Fehr steps off the mound as Obama steps on it, Zack Greinke tanks as the attention mounts, and the Phillies announcer, Chris Wheeler, makes Freud proud. But the news that got The Girls in a tizz was yet another revelation showing just how wicked smart Jose Canseco is with his announcement that he is filing a lawsuit against MLB. As with everything he has done, the man has a case. We’re hoping it’s a case of beer with our name on it. We know there’s probably not much going on in Albuquerque, but to cheer Manny Ramirez like he’s the second coming is only fuel for Canseco’s fire. Jose, we’ll be happy to fan the flames for you.

And finally, in this week’s IT HAS TO BE SAID, Robin confirms that she is ready to run. So grab your ballot, your Cup and a time trial bike…it’s time to talk sports with The Girls!

Municipal Courses, Premature Retirements and Light Sentences with The Girls!

Today, The Girls are coming to you live from the Michael Irvin power trip (Spike TV’s ‘4th and Long’) where nuggets of wisdom swirl like moths to Joba Chamberlain in Cleveland. “Now is the TIME!” has never been uttered with such self-importance. Michael has found his calling - and he makes this train wreck worth watching. But will the Cowboys find their 80th man? Sure. And then he’ll get cut at camp. All we ask is that they do it again but with Michael Irvin and Brett Favre as dueling prophets. We would turn that into appointment television.

Sadly, we must tear ourselves away to dish on the US Open which will bravely return to Bethpage Black for another round of ‘Who can yell “You’re the MAN” the loudest?’. Can you still call these fans patrons? You think the guy in the yellow cap isn’t about to scream something?

New Yorkers know how to jazz anything up and plan on making the 2009 US Open the loudest on record. Except for when Phil Mickelson takes the stage. We are all respectful of the challenge that lays before him, and it’s not on the course. Our best wishes for a swift and complete recovery to his wife, Amy.

He’s in. He’s out. He’s not here. He’s got a deadline. He doesn’t have a deadline. We’d rather listen to Artie Lange and Joe Buck than any more drivel about Brett and his shoulder, or Brett and his family, or Brett and his love for the game, or Brett and his Wranglers. Get in your Wranglers, put your family on your repaired shoulder and go elsewhere unless you can wow us with your play on the field. We thinks those days are over, but why doesn’t Brad Childress?

Is Joe Buck the new Greta Van Susteren? And what’s up with those wooden balls and the antlers?

Donte Stallworth pleads guilty to DUI manslaughter 3 months after striking Mario Reyes as he crossed the street, killing him. Is a 30-day jail sentence, which is supported by the family of the victim, punishment enough? What message does that send to those who don’t have the fame or fortune of Stallworth? The real question in all of this is: why is Plaxico Burress’ trial date pushed back? Stallworth killed a man, stayed at the scene of the crime, cooperated with police, pled guilty, wrote a fat check to the family and is paying his debt to society, all in three months time. Plax was dumber than a dead bird, shot his own thigh with his own gun in an enclosed space populated with innocent people who were clearly in danger, hid the crime, lied to the authorities, and wore sweats in a Manhattan nightclub. And he needs a trial extension because…?

Ok, first listen to this and then read on…

Martina Navratilova blows the lid off the screaming and grunting in women’s tennis. It’s cheatin’ y’all! And she’s spot on. You’ll have to listen in to this week’s sports podcast to find out why. Then stand in solidarity as we seek a ban on the practice. The shrieking makes watching women’s tennis, based on long rallies, unbearable.

The playoffs have come to an end, and all the way around both leagues can claim success. The players came to win, the drama was full-tilt, and the victors deserving.The only low-lights being the bad manners of Cindy Crosby and WeBwon James. The one-and-done of the NFL is awesome, but it does lack the juiciness of a playoff series. We’re already looking forward to the first Pens V. Red Wings game, but it’s going to be nice to get to bed before the witching hour. These playoffs are exhausting! We take a few turns around the track to dish on Danica, the sad demise of Carlos Pardo and discuss the definition of ‘expert’ as understood by Jeremy Mayfield and his go-to guy, Harvey MacFenerstein. Then it’s a Fan-Tutor that gives and takes and spanks! You can’t go wrong with that. We also toss in a World Cup update now that the Confederations Cup is happening in South Africa, site of the 2010 FIFA World Cup. Apparently all is a go for the massive event that takes place this time next year. Well, everything except that silly train.

Who needs organized and motorized transportation when you have pride in your country. Walk to the match. Both ways. Uphill. NFL fans would! Now that the playoffs are over we can settle in to the beauty of nothing but baseball. We’ll dig deep into the rookies who are making waves and the teams that are poised to make noise, but this week we focus on yet another bad rule, more Yankee drama, the best trivia question so far this season, which involves Prince Fielder. No, it’s not how many small mammals he can eat in a sitting, but that’s a good one (especially because that’s a trick question).

Finally, in this week’s IT HAS TO BE SAID we ponder why the need for world domination when a chaise lounge is so inviting. So grab a Land shark, your best mandarin collared shirt and a mascot - they need love too…it’s time to talk sports with The Girls!

So how does it rank half-way through the series?

It’s phenomenal.

The best part? Michael Irvin’s ‘When will these kids learn?’ delivery of every single line in every moment of every episode. He is positively shivering with self-importance and overblown intensity as he unleashes such gems as “You have to ask yourself how bad you really want to play football” and “The time is NOW, man, no more excuses!”. The cliche truck has rolled into town. But do you ever hear anything but cliches from NFL professionals anyway? It’s like a warm glass of milk - completely predictable and satisfying.

The 12 suckers guys competing for the 1 spot at training camp know the deal. The 6 Defensive Backs and 6 Wide Receivers are there to provide an insight into the fraternity that is the Dallas organization. Their talents, and even the talents of the player that earns the right to go to training camp and compete for real, are inconsequential. The product here is the Dallas Cowboys organization. Period.

And the Cowboys are pulling out all the stops. Roger Staubach comes to one the competitions and talks about finding balance between the two most conflicting themes in pro sports: being a team player and looking out for #1. Then he initiates a drill where 7 balls are thrown down field to 8 guys - the one who come back without a ball loses. Go team!

Naturally, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones will insert himself at every possible chance. “You know I enjoy visibility with the Cowboys” he says while talking ‘candidly’ to Irvin about how the HOF former Cowboy plans to evaluate talent. And coaches Bill ‘A Uniform and a Dream’ Bates and Joe ‘Old Salt’ Avezzano provide a degree of legitimacy.

Aside from guest appearances, there is vomiting, crazy drills, interviews designed to generate personal interest in the players (many interest in their love of the Cowboys and the NFL dream) and all other conventions of reality TV to keep you glued. But none of us would be watching without the Man in Black: Michael Irvin.

And believe me, The Playmaker comes off as an authority through all the hot air.

Unlike Hard Knocks, the Cowboys are actually providing entertainment that doesn’t come at the cost of the team and its chemistry. Who knows, it may even strengthen the bonds of the eventual 53-man roster. No amount of drill-till-you-drop competition will prepare this ‘world class athlete’ for the smackdown he will receive when he meets the other 79 hopefuls in August. Even if he is in better shape than Tony Romo, do you think any of those guys would let a reality star take his place without a fight?

Hell-to-the-No!

Now that’s the reality show I want to see: Ambulance at the Alamodome: The 80th Man Enters Dallas Cowboys Training Camp.

Episode 169
Download audio file (fantoo_ep169.mp3)

Lil’ Dez, Glass Eyes and MMA Rocks with The Girls!

Today The Girls are coming to you live from the Atlantis Resort where the likes of Bode Miller (a Fantoo fav), Terrell Owens (another sweet spot for us), and Robert Horry (the Energizer Bunny) join a few other athletes and some completely unknown ‘celebrities’ like Paige Hemmis (huh? who? why do I care?) in the quest to become ‘The Superstars Champion’.

By far the best matchup. Lisa Leslie is a tower. What must Don Cortese be thinking?

We will pause so that you can laugh yourself into a coma. As with the long ball, those in charge in tele-land will soon realize that we aren’t all a bunch of lobotomized fools who can be persuaded to watch anything on TV as long as there’s an athlete, some drama and some hot chicks. Well, after checking out the matchups here, we just might take in a few episodes. Laugh at that if you will, but there is no laughing over Jeremy Mayfield’s alleged failed drug test due to methamphetamine, or meth as it’s known in most circles (as well as ‘ice’ and ‘glass’ and, well, you get the picture). Ugly drug with no place in sports or life. Dude, if this is true and it’s not some chemical screw up, you ought to be banned. For life. Go get some help so you don’t end up in a grave, or worse, walking around looking like this:

Aaron Fike

Robin Soderling falls to Federer and Mine That Bird falls to Summer Bird, which seems so…seasonal. Also seasonal, another Brett Favre dust up as the Midway (to retirement) Motor Lodge puts aside 30 rooms for the Favre clan only to find out that drama lurks around the corner. Brett blew off the OTAs but the word is that he’d have to go all psycho for Childress to blow off Brett. See, Brett’s Brad’s savior. Kind of like Angie. Perhaps Brad Childress should revisit the effect Brett had on the other coach he was supposed to save, Eric Mangini, who has been misbehaving in Cleveland ever since he arrived after being fired in NY.

Thanks to a listener’s prodding, The Girls exposed themselves to MMA by watching the brave and impressive battle between Urijah Faber and Mike Brown. Consider us hooked, and consider our husbands peeved that we have added another sport to the already long list of those we love to watch. Also keeping us from our wifely duties are the NBA and NHL playoffs. The Magic are on their way to making this a series against the Lakers. Rafer Alston steps up along with everyone on the Magic squad, and Kobe has a 31-point off-night. Is it the underbite? Or was he channeling his inner-muppet at the free throw line?

Whatever the answer, expect the distractions to disappear by the time this one ends. Kobe’s fire is burning and it’s his time to do it without Shaq. In other NBA performance artist news, Yao agrees to be the voice of an animated character in a Chinese film, and Steve Nash is the NBA correspondent for the David Letterman show. Even though he speaks Canadian. Go figure.

The Penguins, with the added muscle of two goalies, tie the series with the Red Wings setting up a beloved Game 7 in the Stanley Cup Finals. Nothing says sports nirvana like a Game 7. We can’t imagine the Penguins pulling out a road victory in Game 7, but as Kevin Garnett says, anything is possible. Props to Rob Scuderi who saved the day with his brilliant and impromptu goaltending skills. We love to see a player battle it out and use his wits at the same time. Lord Stanley was promptly wrapped back up and carefully carried out to his limo, which we envision is packed with chicks. Cuz that’s how The Cup rolls.

Over on the diamond we tackle a Fan-Tutor that uncovers the loophole behind the Amateur Draft and why that draft is no more. None of it matters to Scott Boras, however. He’s too busy trying to cram a ludicrous contract down the throats of the too-eager-to-eat Washington Nationals. We suggest the Nationals keep in mind that NO pitcher drafted after 1990 has had more than 100 wins and NO PITCHER chosen #1 has ever won a Cy Young award. Marlon Brando said it best - “The horror, the horror…” of being chosen first. Scott Boras is going to ruin baseball if he pulls off getting Strasburg more coin than Dice K, who had logged a decade in the bigs in Japan when he signed with the Red Sox.

We suggest having AccuWeather negotiate all contracts to include the construction of new stadiums. They can’t predict the end of a rain delay, but they sure can tell if the Yankees are lying about the dimensions of the completely unnecessary new ballpark. And tell they did. So we brought the story to you, because what would a Fantoo Girls sports podcast be without a little Yankee Stadium trashing? Finally, in this week’s IT HAS TO BE SAID, we give further proof that every meeting involving the crafting of rules and laws comes complete with an open bar. So grab your shot glass, your glass eye - cuz you need it! - and Lil’ Dez…it’s time to talk sports with The Girls!

Out of the four major sports in America none can compete with the nostalgic feelings associated with baseball. From the the first game with Dad to the souvenirs to the smell of hot dogs and peanuts and sweat at a day game; all those who love the game have an emotional bond with some aspect that brings the sweet sounds, smells and feelings of summer right back to front and center. The voice of a favorite announcer calling a play on the radio creates so vividly in the mind a picture of the ballpark, the player at the plate, a ball arcing to right field, a player’s feet hitting the warning track…it’s like smelling the perfume of your first girlfriend wafting by you on a street 20 years later. Immediately, you’re back at the dance on a Friday night and Love’s Baby Soft is tickling your highly revved nostrils.

Given baseball’s historic importance in our society, why do those at the helm of our nation’s sport seem to be incapable of discerning the consequences of their present day actions? When the league voted to suspend players for using banned substances why did they not take into consideration what would happen if a suspended player was voted into the All-Star game? According to the executive director of baseball’s union, Donald Fehr, they did:

“We have an agreement,” he said during a phone interview with the New York Times. “This situation was considered during the time the agreement was negotiated. If the suspension takes place during the time the All-Star Game is played, the player is not eligible. If it’s over, and he has completed the penalty, then he’s like any other player.”

There’s just a tiny problem with that rationale: a suspended player who is collecting votes for that year’s All-Star game probably hasn’t played many games if he’s sitting at home cursing the doc who wrote that female fertility drug prescription that got him busted. (EX: Manny Ramirez)

The league and the player’s union ought to show more respect for the game, and it’s mid-season celebration, by looking at the consequences of their actions come contract bargaining day. Sure, Manny Ramirez will have just finished serving his suspension by the time the All-Star game comes around, but should he play? Exactly what’s so All-Star about his suspension? Did he do the dishes every night without complaining? Did he help out in a soup kitchen? Did he wash his hair?

It begs the question: Is there an open bar in the conference room when these ultra-important documents are drafted? Sure seems that way. A new regulation starts out strong - ban steroids - and then gets diluted like a scotch on the rocks. Ban the ‘roids but let them play in the sport’s showcase game.

I’m thinking booze. That’s the only logical explanation. A wise woman once told me, “Life isn’t complicated until you complicate it.” As simple as they may seem, Bud Selig and Donald Fehr are quite good at complicating matters for the game of baseball.

Allow me to clean up the mess:

1. If a player is suspended for any reason during the off-season or regular season he is not eligible to play in that year’s All-Star game and his name will not appear on the All-Star ballot.

2. All supplements taken by MLB players will come from a league-approved manufacturing facility and will be distributed through the team offices. Players are encouraged to only use these approved supplements and will have no recourse if they test positive for a banned substance.

3. All players will be tested randomly and without warning for all banned substances. A blood test will be used for those substances that cannot be tested for in any other approved and reliable fashion. Beginning with the next contract MLB will enforce and be subject to the standards of the World Anti-Doping Agency.

4. A player testing positive for a banned substance will be just that: banned. From the game. Forever.

5. MLB will admit that the affair with the long ball has come to an end. Standardize the outfield wall measurements (like every other dimension of the playing field) so that the home run record actually makes sense, and so that we can avoid destroying the integrity of the game. (OK- that’s a pet peeve. Writer’s prerogative. Yankee Stadium made me do it.)

Hmmm…looking pretty tidy around here. And so quickly!

As we all breathlessly await tip-off for Game 1 of the NBA Finals, The Girls have crafted a masterpiece sure to tickle ear canals the world over. It will help pass the time. Just know that while you are listening to Episode 168 some lab is making a new, undetectable steroid, Lamar Odom has his hand in a candy jar and his face covered in gummy bear drool, Manny Ramirez is on his 6th viewing of The Wire, Seasons 1-5, and the architects of Yankee Stadium are trying to figure out where it all went wrong. It’s nice to know that while you are laughing the rest of the world is hard at work.

Enjoy…

Episode 168

Download audio file (fantoo_ep168.mp3)

Dead Pigeon, Bad Attitude and Juiced Ball with The Girls!

Today The Girls are coming to you live from…COMEDY CENTRAL…where Danica Patrick has failed her first class. It’s a fine art to have humor translate from the page to the brain without the reader inferring that which is not there. Let’s just say Danica has not learned that art. She can drive an open wheel car, is fearless, and looks smokin’ hot in a bikini, but kidding about steroids needs to be left to the pros. Like Manny. She did get one thing right when speaking with Dan Patrick…NASCAR will be calling her. Fer shir.

Moving on to the World of Sport, we tackle (figuratively, not literally) Quinn Ojinnaka’s brush with the law - and his wife - after being a little too chummy on Facebook, the demise of yet another pigeon without a bat escort, Calvin Borel’s guarantee, and the early exit from the French Open by our buddy, our pal, Robin’s dream date, Rafa Nadal. And that’s just in the first 15 minutes. This is a sports podcast to be savored.

With a side of roast pigeon?

The NBA Playoffs beckon and we follow like they are the snake charmer and we the snake. This has been the most memorable set of games in years. Every team has a story, a star, a boy named King too soon, a true legend and one in the making. The right two teams have made it to the end, and the 7 game series will be epic. We can smell it.

Thanks to ihatelebron.com for the pic…hate is such a strong word tho, dude.

Before we digest the match-up of the Magic VS the Lakers, we spend a wee bit of time talking about wittle, whiny WeBwon. See, WeBwon’s a winner, according to WeBwon. And we understand where the confusion lies; he didn’t go to college. He must think being a winner in the playoffs is a feeling, not a stat. And normally we’re all about feelings, but in this case we defer to the stat. WeBwon, you won none. Nothing. Nada. Which is cool, dude. Your time will come if you change your attitude. Please don’t misinterpret this as a critique of your game. It’s not. You are amazing with the potential to be one of the greatest to ever play the game. But you have to change your ‘tude. Playing horse? You’d win, hands down. But by not showing respect to your opponent, your very own team and the game that has given you all that you have, you will not be a champion. It just won’t happen. You need to walk that meet and greet line like everybody else. You are no different, better or more elite than anyone on your team. Your skills may be better, but you as a human being are just like everybody else. So we downgrade you to Prince. And to lose the whiny nickname you have to shape-up, WeBwon. BTW, the hearts say Orlando Magic, the brains say LA Lakers. Better to go with the heart.

Our Fan-Tutor takes us to the NHL Finals, where Evgeni Malkin starts a fight with Henrik Zetterberg with 19 seconds left but receives no suspension. Is that like WeBwon receiving no immediate fine by David Stern for blowing off the post-game media session? NO! Robin will walk you through it…holding your hand the entire time so you don’t get lost. Will the Pens take it to 7? If Gary Bettman can finagle it, you bet! How else do you explain 6 men on the ice for the Pens for 20 seconds with no call? But in the end it will be the Red Wings hoisting Lord Stanley and then the real fun starts. Where will Stanley go? Who will he talk to? Will he finally find lasting love or forever be passed around from lover to lover? The Fantoo Girls will bring you the story of Stanley throughout the summer, so stay tuned.

On the diamond we dish on the uptick in home runs across the league. If the players are getting off the juice, is the ball getting on it? More importantly, when will the league realize that small ball is the future and home runs are boring? We also take a rookie look at the beautifully named Antonio Bastardo, pitcher for the Phillies, and we give an honorable mention to Bryce Harper who is featured on the cover of Sports Illustrated this week. We hope the cover curse only applies to those of age.

As we approach the Month on the Mound, we visit with Joba Chamberlain and his bugs, CC Sabathia’s dark side and take a tour of the bathrooms at Yankee Stadium. Is there anything they didn’t screw up? Let’s just say you best watch out for the cup of ‘beer’ by your seat. Finally, in this week’s IT HSA TO BE SAID, we marvel at the gonads of those responsible for selling us cage-free eggs. So grab a tightly wound ball, some bread for that yolk and a Tipsy Arnold Palmer to wash it all down…it’s time to talk sports with The Girls!

Soderling had never made it past the 3rd round in a Slam. Ever.

And they are not good buddies, with Soderling poking fun at Nadal’s propensity to pick his undergarments out of his nether regions in their 2007 Wimbledon marathon: a 5-setter that took 5 days because of rain delays.

Yet, at the end of the day, Nadal retired as gracefully as he always wins.

“The true, I won four years in a row playing the same. That’s the true. This year I play the same and I lost. What happen? I lost. That’s it…So when one player [plays] bad, he must lose. That’s what happened today. I have to accept with the same calm when I win than when I lose.”

He continued with praise for the play of Soderling.

Over in the world of the NBA, the ‘King’ of the courts is apparently too high up on the throne to shake hands with his competitors - or to speak to the press after the Cavaliers flamed out.

And that is weak.

Can we please start calling him Prince James and reserve titles like ‘King’ for players who bring the divine collective of being #1, a leader AND classy to the games they play? This prince still has a lot of growing to do personally and professionally before he can aspire a reign of any kind.

His comments?

“It’s hard for me to congratulate somebody after you just lose to them”…“I’m a winner. It’s not being a poor sport or anything like that. If somebody beats you up, you’re not going to congratulate them. That doesn’t make sense to me. I’m a competitor. That’s what I do. It doesn’t make sense for me to go over and shake somebody’s hand.”

Ummmm Hmmmmm.

Take a little advice from Rafael Nadal, a true #1 player: ” you learn more when you lose than when you win”. We learned a lot about LeBron: he’s only a leader in victory.

Great player? Yeah. But let’s not crown his ass just yet. True leaders stand and take their medicine, shake hands and say ‘good game’ to the opponents who took them down.

A Lakers win last night is being hailed by a player on Nuggets as a victory bought by the Lakers for $50k. That figure being the sum of the fines paid by Phil Jackson and the Lakers for criticizing the refs over the calls in Game 4. Jackson even admitted to such, saying “I’m a gardener. I like planting seeds . . . constantly.” George Karl is fuming.

But it has seemed to cut both ways - see Luke Walton going from 2 to 6 fouls in 4:25 minutes in Game 4. Maybe the refs just suck.

Feel free to theorize.

Episode 167
Download audio file (fantoo_ep167.mp3)

Man-tears, Underdogs Shine and a Switch Hitting Catcher with The Girls!

Today The Girls are coming to you live from the very next most logical step for any retired tennis pro, the concept underwear store. Why didn’t we think of that? Because Bjorn Borg has done the unthinkable. Not that it’s bad, it’s just that who the hell would have thought of it? It’s a one stop shop…underwear, dating service, place to get your Swedish Fish sugar fix. It’s a must see.

But we have other things to cram into this week’s sports podcast so off we go to the site of one heck of a cry, the Brickyard. Helio Castroneves beats the field and a fed rap for tax evasion in mere days. Man, a guy narrowly escapes being a PYT for some lifer, wins a car race, drinks a little milk and can’t hold it together?

Danica must have been smirking over that one. And yet another man prone to emotional outbursts will go before the courts - Mark Cuban. We’re certain he’ll keep us all posted. Please beat the charges, Mark. We’d lose a third of our entertainment if you go away. We’re taking over-unders on Gisele Bundchen’s weight gain during her pregnancy. Robin says 70, Carol’s leaning closer to a buck-ten. Whatever the grand total, many fans hope the second coming of Brady is enough of a distraction to keep the Patriots off kilter for another year. If not, maybe this will…

We really can’t handle another savior story right now; hopefully the media will simply forget about it. Because that’s likely to happen. Or Favre will reemerge from exile and the axis will tilt. How can we even think about football when the NBA playoffs have been so gripping? Many may say they want a Lakers V. Cavs Finals, but deep down inside people are pulling for the underdogs. Those feisty, energetic, willful Magic Nuggets are capturing the hearts and imaginations of basketball fans…nationwide. And that’s the problem. Globally, a Nuggets V. Magic series will have an impact similar to that of throwing a gnocchi off the Golden Gate Bridge. You think the officiating is interesting now? Wait till the deciding game in the both series. The silent wishes of the league will be seen, but obviously not heard.

So before Stern has his say, enjoy the passionate play of Chris Anderson, Chauncy Billups, Dwight Howard, Courtney Lee and the rest of the merry men that make up the Nuggets and the Magic, who have to date proven to be the better teams.

We have nothing but love for the Red Wings. We have no love for the Penguins. So at least we’ll have someone to root for in the Stanley Cup Finals. Yay. Rematch. The team that emerged as one to watch in the seasons ahead is the Blackhawks. Young, fun, fearless, and we know for sure that if you run into them in Chicago you are going to have a killer time. We also now know, and aim to not forget, that Jonathan Toews name is pronounced ‘Taves’.

The diamond is about to get a visit from our Rookie Look, Matt Wieters, the switch-hitting catcher who will make his major league debut on Friday for the Orioles.

He’s got the mystique, the websites claiming many, um, facts about his prowess, and the wingspan of a Terradactyl. What’s not to love? So he has a hard time getting up to warp speed on the bases. The dude is 6′5″. 6′10 in heels, and you know those are coming during rookie hazing. Congrats, Matt. It’s an honor to be honored by us. For the most part. Keep your eyes on Nolan Ryan and the retrained pitching staff of the Texans. What happens when you remove pitch counts from team rules? Listen in to find out. And get ready for other teams to catch on if these stats stay true throughout the year.

Oh, gee, Yankee Stadium is on pace for 300 plus home runs this year. Right as the game leans towards small ball and the fans happily follow. Nothing than we like more than dropping a few hundred dollars to watch guys look over their heads while a dude jogs the bases and the pitcher stares at his feet. So. Fun.

But not as fun as this week’s IT HAS TO BE SAID which takes us to South Korea and the Bronx as we ponder the ferocious nature of a backyard hill and the need for kosher armored vehicle. So grab some bug spray, don’t touch the trophy, and you bring the dip…it’s time to talk sports with The Girls!

Sorry Commish, but basketball is a team sport. Exciting teams are more captivating than an exciting player on a decent team. Even if that player is LeBron James or Kobe Bryant. What is more impressive, the LeShot or the Magic-reaction? I pray to Wilt that the Magic and the Nuggets meet in the NBA Finals so I can watch two fast, spirited and talented teams with personalities light it up for seven games. Watching LeBron or Kobe in this series is like having a stiff drink. I prefer the pure joy of a banana split.

The classic karmic smackdown for LeBron was Game 3. 2 of 15 from afar, after boasting of having a range with no end in sight. I remember when I sunk a near half-court shot in the 4th quarter when I was in 8th grade. I, too, developed an overconfidence in my range. And as LeBron went so did his team. With every blown free throw and bomb from beyond the arc his teammates lost some swagger.

Perhaps it was the news that the Cleveland Cavaliers have sold a portion of the team and building in an effort to insure that King of the World LeBron can reach his billion-dollar status from teeny-tiny Cleveland that soured his teammates. Nah. They just played badly. But that news didn’t sit well with me, mainly because of the timing. But also because I’m over the excess and need for global domination, on any level. Just play ball, man. Don’t orchestrate it. Let it come to you.

The real lure of this game, and the future of it, lie in the arms of Birdman and Superman. Big market may speak ratings, but this is a basketball series, not sitcoms vying for ratings during May sweeps. Sometimes you just have to look away from the coin to discover the real tipping point. China may adore LeBron, but the Unites States loves the scrappy. This year scrappy has come to rest on a mohawk and dude who looks like Ron Jeremy. Basketball fans, rejoice!