Girls can dream…and you can listen to this week’s podcast:

Episode 203
Download audio file (fantoo_ep203.mp3)

NCAA MADness, Crashed Ice and Who Dat?! with The Girls!

Today The Girls are coming to you live from the set of the new game show taking the country by storm…”Now, Why Are They Doin’ That?” First topic - the expansion of the NCAA basketball tournament from 65 to 96 teams. We all know the answer is cash, so the real fun in this game show is to spot the spin. We’re doing it for the kids. We’re doing it for the fans. We’re doing it for the athletes…ooops…student/athletes. What they’re actually doing is watering down a thrilling and super fun tournament that all consider to be as perfect as can be. The real question is, Who is going to play the NIT (that would be the ‘Not Interesting Tournament’)? Us?

Heck no, we’re saving ourselves for the Crashed Ice competition in Quebec City. Robin could excel at this sport, however Carol would most certainly perish, so she’ll be carrying a flask near the finish line to cheer on her buddy. Here’s a sneak peek courtesy of Red Bull:

We also go a little retro with a look at Bandy, the precursor to hockey. Why these visits to sports that push the participants to their limits in harsh conditions, all for glory and maybe a little coin? That’s what you do to re-balance your fanliness after you’ve subjected yourself to the NFL Pro Bowl. What a cuddly little fluffy lost kitten kind of football game. But people tuned in, so Roger Goodell is on to something: we want our NFL season to end when the Super Bowl is finished. We stand up, dust off the crumbs of nachos and wings and get ready for Spring Training. Now if we could just get him to eliminate the actual game and throw a big fat par-tay…

Until that happens we will ponder the media’s thoughts on the ‘new media’, create conspiracy theories around Dwight Freeney’s ankle, lament the death of the phrase, “Defense Wins Championships”, and try (seriously, we broke a sweat) to come up with reasons to root for the Colts to win. We did find one on particular:

Not that we don’t respect - hugely - their game, their class, their style, the comedic excellence of Peyton Manning, and the entrepreneurial genius of Jeff Saturday, it’s just that the underdog (complete with tragedy, determination, achieving against all odds, and a slight stature) is so compelling. And an underdog victory so uplifting! And well…this happened in New Orleans, at the Superdome, to the Saints and the City.

Couldn’t we all use a little Yay! this time of year? Especially in light of the NFL’s outrageous reaction to the use of ‘Who Dat?’, a colloquialism in use before the NFL was anything other than three letters from the English alphabet. Cease and Desist letters? Really? Somebody’s been watching too much Rambo.

We squeeze in a little hockey Fan-Tutor for those of you who are wondering just what those refs are up to, and spank Nike for being a wee bit too jacked up for our consumer tastes. Then we tie it all up with an IT HAS TO BE SAID, cuz it does. So grab your emergency brake, a bandy ball and some confetti…it’s time to talk sports with The Girls!

Episode 202

Download audio file (fantoo_ep202.mp3)

Faux Bowl, Faux Pretty and Naked Players with The Girls!

Today The Girls are coming to you live from the Faux Bowl! Where players you’ve never heard of or those you’ve made fun of square off in a nonsensical game that matters NOT. Oh, yay.

thanks to t-chest for this image

We’ll beat this horse till it’s rice pudding. We fans want a banquet. A celebration of the too-short football season that came and went before our wings got cold. Give us, the players and the league a chance to sit back and drink it all in before spring training hits. This is not rocket science - a part Oscars/part Golden Globes event that uses the NFL Films archives to its fullest will be a memorable red carpeted evening for all involved.

thanks to celebrations-img.zaah.net for this image

We don’t desire the Pro Bowl that has 17 starters running for a doctor’s note so they can avoid injury. We want a partay. Mr. Goodell, if you see a petit blonde and a fiery redhead storming your office know that it is because we love this game. And we know what we want because we are NFL fans. As NASCAR has come to realize, the fans know what the sport needs. That’s why there’s focus groups. Because the dudes in the tower can’t truly know what those in front of the flat screen feel in their bones.

Ah, bones. Makes us think of Greg Oden. Or David Beckham! He who was manhandled by Elana Di Cioccio. She was just trying to validate that which was stated by Mrs. Beckham, but that doesn’t make it right. No matter how proud you are of your bodily achievements, there is no place for uninvited groping. Leave that to Posh.

Thankfully in all this madness we have Bode Miller. He’s playing it safe. Gunning for some Olympic glory whilst dreaming of the US Open. We have no beef with his desire to conquer the world of tennis, we only wish that Terrell Owens would also take up the challenge of trying to qualify for the US Open. Girls can dream. And so we do.

Do you have this in periwinkle?

Dreaming of a cure for your tender muscles? We’ve got the answer for you in this week’s Fan-Tutor. It involves much therapy and some super thin tape. For real…its gonna cure cancer. Also in this week’s sports podcast we cover stab-resistant vests, strep throat, naked hockey players (yawn…aren’t they always looking to get naked?), bitten fingers, and Alexander Ovechkin saying SEE YA to the NHL. On the hard court we have naked pictures (Robin’s NOT impressed by Greg Oden’s self-portrait…which makes you wonder about Robin’s husband), All-Star biatching, and man-brow-scaping. Oh, THE HORROR! But what do you expect when it’s the NBA and it’s January?

thanks to the AP and hawksprman for terrifying us with these pics

We hand-hold you through the NFL, where retirement talk abounds, the Pro Bowl peeves players, Favre flirts with the Universe, and the league flirts with ticking off the networks. Oh, and there’s that little dust-up when a man comes home to his castle only to find that the “maid” has canceled cable. Which means ESPN. Finally, in this week’s IT HAS TO BE SAID, we dish on the new pretty.

Don’t blame us for this pic…thanks to media.ebaumsworld.com

So grab your kitchen knife (is there just one?), your implants and a shrimp on the barbie…it’s time to talk sports with The Girls!

Moment of silence at a Sixers game to honor the victims of the earthquake in Haiti. (Matt Slocum/AP)

The 2nd Coming, The 2nd Fighter and the Dastardly Jets with The Girls!

Today The Girls are coming to you live from the second coming of premature marketing in the name of clean living. Tim Tebow makes his Super Bowl debut in an ad for Focus on the Family. The ad will be a bit different form the one above, but thanks to ‘LSUfreek’ for such a glorious shot. The Super Bowl is such a family event…if you take away all the alcohol consumption, gambling, post-game celebratory hook-ups (we’ve educated you on what happens to testosterone when your team wins) and obscenity-laced referee trashing. Super squeaky family fun we say! And a nice way for Tim to pave a new career path towards the Senate when the bright lights of the NFL fade, which just might happen on and around Draft day.

Also aiming to do good are those enjoying the summer sun in Australia. Props to the players at the Australia Open who needed nothing more than a moment’s notice to put another match on the boards and play for Haiti. They raised almost $185,000 for relief efforts. Looks like they were having fun.

All the stars played and no one complained…except Serena’s Mom. Can we not be exposed to her ‘woe is me’ nonsense again? Please? Thanks, mate. After showing Johnny Weir the love he deserves for just being Johnny, we take it to the ice again and get into a war over the Ovechkin/Downie non-fight. Carol is still banging her head against the wall trying to understand Robin, and Robin is warning her that a concussion is bad, even for podcasters.

But they come together to rejoice over Mike Danton’s return to the co-ed way of life. Michael Vick had it all wrong. Don’t get back into the league after prison, go where life is easy - college! Dude is smart. Though there is still some fear that he may be perceived as one of our favorites from Slap Shot once he hits the ice. I mean, the man did 5 years!

Is it too early to become a Nets fan? We know it’s too early to watch the NBA. That happens around February 18th when trades are made and those that want wins play hard. Those that want to improve in the draft best throw games and finish as close the record of the 72-73 Sixers as possible. Good luck Nets! You’re almost there!

For those who need a reason (aka a kick in the rear) to watch the NFL playoffs this weekend, look no further than the newly dubbed Rexorcist. That’s Rex Ryan to those who don’t read the NY Post. Nobody could script a better duel than that between the perfectly prepared QB and the dastardly (in a completely lovable way) defensive demon. The similarities to the Jets of Super Bowl III are uncanny. Right down to the mesh Henley and white jeans, cuz you know Joe Namath had those in his closet too. Could this happen again in NY?

We’re not going to be coy here: may the Jets win. And may they fly to Miami with an empty suitcase for one Vince Lombardi trophy, returning said trophy to New York. We’d gladly pay your extra bag fee. Lastly, in this week’s IT HAS TO BE SAID we revisit a Fantoo Girls favorite subject, the Somali pirates. So grab your ransom, your buddy’s back and a ticket on the Jet train…it’s time to talk sports with The Girls!

Sure, if it were that easy wine would flow from the rivers and dark chocolate covered almonds would grow on trees…but this video demonstrates that it can be done.

If you’re a Flyers fan, enjoy. If you’re a Columbus Blue Jackets fan, um, sorry.

While we can never forgive him for wearing this henley or these white jeans…

we sure do respect how he’s matured during the season and led his team to being 60 minutes (well, really 11 minutes) away from the Super Bowl.

It could happen. This could be your next Super Bowl QB.

And the Girls think that it would be ok. As long as Rex Ryan doesn’t go ahead and do a GQ shoot. That would not be ok.

The champagne was drunk, the recording was finished, we celebrated with mexican food…then the world of sport grabbed our attention again. How mad is Plaxico Burress right now? Probably pretty mad knowing that Gilbert Arenas was able to negotiate a plea deal for his little locker room dust up. While Burress can likely return (’cept for that little lockout thang) to the NFL, he didn’t bring his gun into the locker room and pull it on another person. He just, well, you know…shot his own leg. Arenas, however, demonstrated some seriously reckless behavior. David Stern needs to act accordingly. Arenas, as much as we love him on the court, must be kicked out of the NBA. No alternative. But enough about them…

Be sure to listen till the end of Episode 200…it’s super-sized with post-show madness.

How did we ever sound like that and get here?

Thanks to all our listeners and Jay for making this so fun. We’ve enjoyed every second. Well, except for the time when Robin…

NCAA Failures, NFL Playoffs and Cougar Cruises with The Girls!

Download audio file (fantoo_ep200.mp3)

Today The Girls are coming to you live from the elaborate recording studio where they celebrate the 200th episode of the Fantoo Girls whilst simultaneously recording that new NCAA mega-hit, a remake of Kenny Rogers’ ‘The Gambler’. Why? Cuz you gots to know when to fold ‘em, know when to run…know when to pop some pills and know when to, um, rear end a car on PCH in Malibu? We just sing ‘em, we don’t act ‘em out. Man, we thought the pros set some bad examples on occasion, but it’s the world of collegiate sports that has given us many ‘teaching lessons’ for the kids this week.

He also hates rioting students and fears commitment.

Perhaps the most poignant note was the look of fear lurking under Lane Kiffin’s not-so-cool exterior as he cut short his press conference so that he could get to his car before the mob did. Our plea is for the leaders of these colleges and universities to take some responsibility for how ugly collegiate sports has become and right the ship. Is it too much to ask for the dollar to lose in favor of morals? Just this once? (For sale: One pair of rosey-colored glasses.)

Also in this week’s epic sports podcast, we say, “Yea, right, whatever” to Mark McGwire after he came clean on what was completely obvious to everyone who ever watched him play. Dude took steroids. To hit the ball harder and therefor farther. Did it to set records. And make cash. From endorsements in addition to his contract.

But why are we even giving him a platform at this point in time? Oh, cuz Tony LaRussa wants to bring him on as a hitting coach. That sets a good example and doesn’t make anyone who expects the sport to be clean even a tad nervous about McGwire’s influence on the young and impressionable. Maybe Gilbert Arenas can instruct at a shooting range so that NBA players can better protect themselves, and Pete Rose can give lessons on gentlemen’s bets to ball players so they can feed their gambling urges without breaking any league rules. Seriously, who’s in charge?

Maybe the NHL can give us a dose of pure sports glee…if we forget that the Pittsburgh Penguins TV rights holder, FSN, withheld evidence that the Flyers scored a goal until the puck was dropped and the play could not be reviewed. But we can’t forget that. It’s like an iceberg. You know more lurks beneath the surface than that which is visible.

Boo! The Hotel Skirvin

The Girls prefer the good old-fashioned way teams would get an advantage, like having the visiting team stay in a haunted hotel a la the Oklahoma City Thunder. Scare tactics are way more fun than cheating. We can get behind that!

You don’t need us to tell you that the NFL playoffs kick into high gear this weekend. Enjoy it. We’re nearing the end of the season, the match ups are fantastic, and given that there are only 12 minutes of live action in each 3 hour plus contest you can DVR all the games and watch them in under an hour. NO EXCUSE!

So listen in for our predictions, and be sure to stick around to the end of this x-tra long podcast as we take you cruising…Love Boat style. So grab some disinfectant, a glass of champagne and raise it…it’s time to talk sports with The Girls!

It’s EPIC. As in length. Or was that what Shaq said?

It is so epic that Jay - he of the “wrist injury” - needs until tomorrow to make it sing for y’all.

In the meantime, let LT2 sing for you. Our spun gold will be up tomorrow. Thanks for 200 episodes of walking the fine line between sports and non-sports.

Well, Gilbert Arenas dared the NBA to suspend him and they said “ok”. But what about Javaris Crittenton? He also had a weapon in the locker room, which (rumor has it) he brandished, loaded and had ready to roll. This is unadvised behavior all around, but considering that these guys are pretty young, we’re surprised no one was actually shot. When does the PSA come out from one of these pistoleros?

Episode 199
Download audio file (fantoo_ep199.mp3)

Locker Room Stand-off, Off-Road Rally and NFL Playoffs with The Girls!

Today The Girls are coming to you live from Ground Hog Day! That special event where you get to see what you just saw…again. For fans of the Jets, Packers and Cowboys that might be the best news they’ve heard all year. For the rest of you, get ready to experience not the new but the old. Don’t judge it just yet - you never know how back-to-back games can affect the mindset, playbook and execution of the teams involved. Could be interesting. And if it’s not there’s always the Dakar Rally.

Take it in as it may be the last year for this grueling, true off-road test of endurance. Why? Because The Girls are throwing their hats (fedoras, of course) into the ring for next year. Robin’s taking the Quad and Carol’s hitting it in the Fantoo semi. Neither can read a map, drive by a beach without taking a dip, and they are both terrified of spiders. The competition is spooked for sure.

Possibly joining them next year would be one Gilbert Arenas, he of the finger-pistol fame that got him suspended. Indefinitely. Class, can you say Jack Ass? He could have played some games (and made his filthy lucre) and waited out the police investigation. But no. The genius had to come out on the court with his fingers pointing around like Quick Draw McGraw at the Sixers game.

Seriously, Arenass, you are such an idiot you make Plaxico Buress look like Plato. To throw your dumb behavior in David Stern’s face is a sure ticket right out of the NBA. You’re going to have to do some serious penance if you ever want to palm a ball again. The real shame is that you could have risen above all some of the others to be a true fan-favorite in this game. You would benefit from The Fantoo Girls’ Den-Mothers-For-You program, for sure.

Dear ESPN, We love you. Couldn’t live without you. Appreciate your pioneer spirit, admire your achievements, celebrate your super seksi productions (nobody lights a set better), and want to smack you for trying to go all 3D on us. While we’re not “old” per se, we do remember many attempts over the years to make this gimmick a household must-have. Not gonna work. Not until you remove the need for silly glasses by embedding 3D lenses in our eyes at birth. Good luck with that one.

Matt Duchene - Son of Colorado Avalanche player.

We take a look back at the Winter Classic (Robin went, saw, drank…and managed to stay out of trouble.), salute Alexander Ovechkin for his new Captain status, and honor the Colorado Avalanche with our first ever Team Rookie Look. Those kids are youngins! No beer pong there! We wrap up our 199th episode with the NFL and all its 2009/10 weirdness. So fun…yet so odd! Finally, in this week’s IT HAS TO BE SAID, we take on the real drug lords.

So grab your green tea, a GPS and don’t forget the charger…it’s time to talk sports with The Girls!

The venue was great:

Fans sublime:

Good action:

Though there was foul play at Fenway. Seriously, I know it’s tradition to sing ‘Sweet Caroline’ between the top and bottom of the 8th innings, but in hockey? The fact that the Bruins scored their only regulation goal right after this should tell you something…

Congrats to the Bruins. Congrats to the NHL.

Whatever happens, even if Robin gets arrested and Carol had no cable and starts a minor riot, we promise to not blame it on Tiger Woods.

Episode 198

Download audio file (fantoo_ep198.mp3)

NCAA Punishments, Olympic Teases and NFL Overtimes with The Girls!

Today The Girls are coming to you live from The Shed where Mike Leach was holed up when everyone else got the memo that concussions are supa-bad. And now he has lots of time to think about his tough love after receiving a little tough love from Texas Tech. Hope he has a backup plan. Maybe he should go to The Shed and think about it. That’s what we would do.

Maybe he can check out the new opening in Florida. Oh. Maybe not. Urban Meyer just unretired. He needs to take a lesson from Mr. Retirement himself, Brett Favre. You need to leave us with more time to ponder your absence before you thrust yourself upon us again. Like a fortnight, maybe. Not just an overnight. But we have the Olympics to focus on as Bode Miller takes to the slopes and Johnny Weir, a Fantoo Girls fav, gets creative with Lady GaGa. Here’s a teaser becasue you know we cannot resist…

We attempt to find out who’s who in Curling and fail. But we discover the art of Roller Derby and won’t rest till it’s an Olympic sport. Go Daddy would be all over it. Robin’s suitably distracted by the upcoming Winter Classic and the morose weather report that suggests a slicker and rain boots for the OUTDOOR hockey game. It’s a wee bit hard to play hockey in rain. Snow, yes. Rain…not so much. But if the weather doesn’t comply, you can always check out the rosters for the Olympic ice hockey matches. Yes, Jerry in Manuel Antonio, Costa Rica, they will include NHL players, as you will learn in our Fan-Tutor. But only for this year. 2014 is up in the air.

And you thought concussions were only for those on the ice or the gridiron. No, says Ron Artest, who was bitten by the bug as he played Santa on Christmas. His wife was perched over him, raising him from his fall-induced slumber. TMZ reports that there was no golf club in site, but a synthetic basketball was spotted rolling from the scene. Get better Artest - those Lakers need you!

And now for the dog-and-pony portion of our sports offering…

Looking for a summer breeze in the midst of all this Winter? Look no further. Tony Parker and Eva Longoria are a ray of sunshine in this little diddy. The Girls are hard at work selecting a song for their very own parody. Thinking something from Clockwork Orange might be just right.

Can you believe the final moments of the NFL regular season are upon us? Seems like it was just 2008 and we were discussing who will rest their starters, who will sneak into the playoffs and who thinks (erroneously) they have been mathematically eliminated from contention.

Actually, that would be Rex Ryan circa 2009, who is a hair’s width away from the promised land after slaying Goliath’s stand-ins in Indy. If Indy is eliminated in the first round you can bet the team will be playing games on Sunday from now till training camp. We wonder if the Indy fans would have been totally cool with it should Peyton have landed himself on the concussed list in a meaningless game. You play to win the game, right?

Tom Cable IS Nostradamus. He is correct: without JaMarcus Fatus the Raiders would be in the playoffs. Maybe he’s not Nostradamus. Maybe he can evaluate talent and Al Davis should start evaluating his exit strategy with a little help from Roger Goodell. If, and we do mean if, Al Davis dies, how long before someone discovers his death was a little assisted? And how long before Brad Childress throws up his hands (accidentally touching a referee) and says, “You do it!” to Brett Favre? Probably already happened. And he just might do it. If the Packers don’t spoil his party. Lastly, how is it that the NFL always has the right match-ups late in the season? Another Cowboys V Eagles showdown heads our way this Sunday. It will be a battle. Let’s just hope everyone lands in one piece with their enhanced crotches intact.

Which leads us to this week’s IT HAS TO BE SAID. So grab your undies, your noise maker and don’t drink and bake…it’s time to talk sports with The Girls!