#1) The biggest event, the freaking APEX of the sport, has no instant replay. Therefore goals that shouldn’t count do count…over and over.

The gem below is shot from a Brazilian ‘gooooooaaaaal’ in the Mexico-Brazil match (yes, that is Brazil in blue and white, a mile behind the nearest Mexican defender):

#2) The games run on endlessly and then there is running time for injuries. Why not just stop the clock? At the end of the game, one never knows if it it really over because the injury time clock is about as easy to decipher as the square root of pi.

And there is always an injury clock because #3) soccer players are a bunch of drama queens waiting for their golden moment to swoon and fake. This cloying group activity negates all the manliness that soccer should garner and inspires lampoons like this one:

Soccer Officially Announces It Is Gay
Seriously, these dudes run for 90 minutes at top speed over acres of land - and then they run some more. Show some stones!

The sport is about as crazy as Diego Maradona. This is not a compliment.

We miss Pele.

There was the closing bell:

Then the Handshake Line:

The Prince of Wales presentation:

And the singing of about 19,000 happy fans as they prepare for the first Stanley Cup Finals in 13 years:

This is why we love sports.

But you know what? Who cares about Landis and his sniveling ways? If Armstrong is guilty he will get busted sooner or later. And then? And then cycling will retreat into further obscurity.

But this is not a time to dwell on cheaters, it’s time for one last podcast before we go on a long-awaited sabbatical!

Episode 217

Lessons Learned, French Riots and Fantoo Fans to Thank with The Girls!
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Today The Girls are coming to you live from…what we’ve learned. And it’s aplenty, but it can be distilled down to two key things: judging talent is a lost art and devotion to the game has become secondary to devotion to the coin.

As we prepare for our sabbatical (rare game option narrowed down to ostrich or bonobo, PhD narrowed down to idiocy or wine-making) we take on the world of sport one last time. Let’s just say no one is safe, not even Hank Haney.

The NBA draft doesn’t disappoint with Lady Luck trumping algorithms all the way. Oh, and then there’s LeBron’s mom (”G-L-O-R-I-A”). Game 5 takes on a whole new meaning now. You best put your lunch aside when we tackle this in the “Fantoo Girls Grand Finale…For Now” podcast. Even for us this story crosses into a whole new territory. Men, walk away. Especially if it’s LeBron’s mom.

You don’t want to make LeBron mad…like that.

For old times’ sake we toss in a nugget about PEDs, a teeny tiny pot story, and ponder that age old question: Why do men need to get naked for the public for free? Take the Chicago Blackhawks for instance. One day it’s naked shirtless in a limo with some chicks and the next day you’re naked all over the web.

But the real question is, Will they take on our beloved Flyers for Lord Stanley’s Cup? Second question: Can you recall a time in recent history where the NHL playoffs overshadowed the NBA playoffs? That day is now.

A 7-seed has home ice? The average age of the Blackhawks is what? San Jose finally one a series? The greatest comeback in playoff history? If the NHL can’t capitalize on this then they need to look up the word capitalize. As we’ve said for two years in a row, the NHL has the opportunity to take the #3 spot in the US in pro sports. It’s just sitting there like Hanley Ramirez on an in-field play. In the mean time, we’ll wonder about how the French riot and plan our Game 4 road trip - should the Flyers be so fortunate. And then we’ll mourn the fact that our dream of a date with Lord Stanley has gone unfulfilled. Some entities long to make a profit, we long to hold that vessel tight. For one moment anyway.

But one Fantoo dream has been realized? We’ve connected with sports fans across the globe, many of which share our demented sense of humor. And that is priceless. We toast to you in this week’s IT HAS TO BE SAID. So grab your hankie, your glass and your belly when it laughs…it’s time to talk sports with The Girls!

A few pictures from the Fantoo archives…

Eagles Fans

Ultimate Tailgate

Versus studio

With Riley Cote of the Flyers

All-Star race in North Carolina

With Dale Jr’s former Crew Chief

We broke Ben Wallace’s legs!!

GO FLYERS!!!!!!!!

Episode 216
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Sabbaticals, Perfect Games and Bulging Discs with The Girls!

Today The Girls are coming to you live from their second-to-last show! For a while anyway. We’ve decided to take a sabbatical. Carol is going to get her doctorate in something inane and Robin is going to raise exotic animals for humane (not human!) slaughter. Both enterprising and selfless endeavors, to be sure. We plan on going out with a bang, so be a participant in our last show. Send in your questions, your fond farewell wishes, and any and all criticism directed at Robin Carol and we’ll be sure to include it on the Fantoo Girls swan song. Don’t worry - we’ll be back in some form in the future. But for now we have world problems to solve and margaritas to be drunk.

And sports…there’s always the sports…In this week’s podcast we shred Coach Mike Knowles for being a biatch and stealing an unearned victory from a high school girls track team over a technicality. Coach, grow up, and while you’re at it set a good example. It’s high school dude.

LT - the only thing we have to say to you is, quite frankly, you’re dead to us. Guys like you (and this is coming from 2 girls who thought you were genius on the field) set an example for other athletes that it’s alright to mistreat women, and in your case young girls. It’s despicable behavior that will not be tolerated by the public anymore. All athletes should be on notice: you screw up after we’ve spent our hard-earned cash to see your games and buy your gear and we’ll desert you before you can call time.

We won’t be deserting Dallas Braden anytime soon! Not only is he old-school, and not afraid to tell A-Rod to stick it (or was that his grandmother?), he’s self-deprecating and a damn good pitcher. One of only 19 in the history of major league baseball to pitch a perfect game. We will be forever fans, so don’t screw up.

Roy Halladay will make his ‘away’ debut against his former team, the Toronto Blue Jays, in the city of Philadelphia. No, that’s not a major league screw up, it’s due to the conflict with the G20 Summit. Who knew Bud Selig had his finger on the pulse of world politics? By now everyone knows that Ken Griffey, Jr. fell asleep during the game and was not available for a pinch hit appearance in the 8th inning. What many of you don’t know is that we snuck into the clubhouse and dipped his thumb in warm water. He totally peed. And now the Seattle players are icing out the reporter who wrote the story. Guys, you may want the only reporter who’s interested in covering you to have some access or the world might forget that the Mariners are a baseball team.

The NBA playoffs have been overshadowed by LeBaby’s hissy fit. Or was it simply that he all of the sudden sucks? Let’s hope it’s the latter because if he tanked a playoff game to make a point there may be some pretty ticked off guys named Ricky and Guido coming for him. SI asks if Shaq ‘Grandpappy’ O’Neal can deliver a ring to the King. We ask, Does Shaq even have credentials to enter the building?

The Flyers are on the cusp of a Disney Movie and the Canadiens send the Pens packing to the delight of all of Canada, despite the negative affect it will has on Sidney Crosby (and the NHL?). He can cry in his wine with Ovie and snuggle with his teddy bear. If the Flyers can’t reach for the Cup than The Girls are praying to Lord Stanley for a Canadiens VS Blackhawks finals with Canada taking it home. ROAD TRIP TO MONTREAL FOR THE PARADE! Finally, in this week’s IT HAS TO BE SAID we suggest a new line of scented candles. So grab your nose, your rally towel and glass of champagne…to toast us of course…it’s time to talk sports with The Girls!

We celebrated Cinco de Mayo with margaritas and too many chips and dip - but it was worth it. Apparently we needed fuel to sustain us through the loss of Los Flyers and the win of Los Suns.

Episode 215
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Today The Girls (Las Chicas Fantoo) are coming to you live from Cinco de Mayo, where we ponder the hard-line stance taken by Arizona’s Governor Jan Brewer against illegal immigrants. Should Bud Selig pull the All-Star game from Arizona? Is it fair to suck him into this mess created by the federal government’s inability to monitor the borders of this country? Bud says he’s going to take that pitch. Clever.

The Girls are just going to drink their perfect margaritas and celebrate Mexico. And give you all you need to know about sports in this week’s podcast. Starting with Tiger’s meltdown, Rafael Nadal’s return, and Max Jean Gilles’ lap band surgery - which was so ill-timed we expect his retirement to be the next announcement.

Perhaps the Eagles should blame Rex Ryan. Max, dude…you’re an athlete. You get paid to stay in shape. You are not Al Roker, although you do resemble him, 10 years back. Push away form the cans of mac and cheese, lay off the high fructose corn syrup, and break a sweat on occasion. If Kirstie Alley can do it, so can you.

Who dat pilfering Vicodin, you ask? Perhaps some high-ranking Saints executives. We’re thinking Congress ought to forget about Roger Clemens and focus on the pharmaceutical industry’s penchant for distributing narcotics to every Tom, Dick and Tiger that wants them. Hasn’t this gotten out of control? No wonder marijuana is being decriminalized left and right - it’s the pills that are addictive and the major sports leagues better be taking a tough stand on this issue. Hard to play when you’re jonesing for a Percocet and all you can get your hands on is an Adderall.

Bet the kid who was tasered by the fat cop at Citizens Bank Park wishes he had a Percocet! Look, man…if you can’t tackle you can’t wear the badge.

Getting tasered is fun for these kids! Slap a massive fine on them and you won’t see kids jumping the wall anymore. Philadelphia doesn’t need any more help with its bad reputation. Great, now we have to defend fat cops who taser kids. Joy. We also take you through the playoffs this week. Yes, even the NBA. And we close with a funny serious IT HAS TO BE SAID. So grab your Plan B, a taser shield and the best tequila you can find…it’s time to talk sports with The Girls!

Cannot believe the Capitals lost to the Canadiens last night. Can. Not. Believe. But now that they did, the Habs must go all the way. No better way to cap off your 101st year in the league. Bruce Boudreau? Time to get back to the drawing board and figure out why your team is built for the regular season. There’s no hiding from a 1-32 power play record.

But Halak. Good God man! What a game. What a series.

Episode 214

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Contracts, Playoffs and What’s In A Name? with The Girls!

Today The Girls are coming to you live from…the Today Show, where they finally have a reason to fire Tiki Barber. It wasn’t enough for him to be bad at his job, he also had to be bad at his marriage. With all these guys dropping like flies over their infidelities and assorted infractions, women are going to have to start dressing like men to play their parts. Who’s gonna be left?

Well, there’s always Tim Tebow! It’s fascinating how a quarterback who is not expected to do well in the NFL has captured the nation’s attention. Is it because he speaks his mind and isn’t afraid to stand up for that in which he believes? Or is it because no one can figure out how he isn’t crazy about hookers, Vegas and Charles Barkley? Whatever the case, Coach McDaniels is psyched he has someone, anyone, who is going to do what’s right…he hopes. But to pay first round cash for someone who may not be able to do much right on the field? Well, maybe karma will be kind to the Broncos. They’ve had a tough time as of late.

We here at Fantoo hope it all works out for everyone so that the kids (you know, the ones all those guys are always talking about in their pressers…) actually have someone to look up to who isn’t apologizing for shooting someone, driving drunk or cheating on their wife. All in all, the draft and subsequent trades made for a fun burst of NFL in Spring. Now we await the Al Davis presser where he says, “I was wrong. JaFatus Russell is an awful quarterback. I’m turning over all decisions to the front office. And I’m doing this for the kids.”

Let’s just hope that Ryan Howard doesn’t pull a Russell and eat his way though his contract extension. 25 mil a year is a lot of steak wit’.

We’re sure he’s going to continue his defensive improvement and who knows, maybe trim off a few strikeouts. Also striking out, the batters that is, is Stephen Strasburg. Which is why the Nationals fans are peeved. Can’t blame ‘em. Stinks when business and sports intersect, but alas they must.

Also in this week’s sports podcast we dig deep into why goalies who tough it out in the regular season may blow it all in the playoffs, how the Canadiens faced down their foes from the south, give you a little Cinderella NHL style in our Rookie Look, and we even talk about the NBA Playoffs. Go figure. Finally, in this week’s IT HAS TO BE SAID, we conclude that we are tres normal. So grab your shot clock, a penalty kill or two and get comfy…it’s time to talk sports with The Girls!

Devils, Angels and SHAQPLOSION with the Girls!

Download audio file (fantoo_ep213.mp3)

Today we’re coming to you live from ground zero of the imminent Shaqplosion. What’s that you ask? Well, that’s when Shaq is brought to his knees and exposed not by the Kobe-Shaq feud, not by the B-movie roles he’s played, not by ‘Shaq-Fu: The Return’ and not by his part-time NBA job - but by his ex-wife Shaunie. He’s taken all precautions to keep a lid on his personal life and prevent Shaunie from making him look a fool on the reality show (or with her upgraded arm candy). And that makes VH1’s tour de force, ‘Basketball Wives’, a must-see TV experience. But hey, when you live bigger than the game, you might get burned or ridiculed or lose sponsors.

Just ask Ben Roethlisberger.

how’s this for good beahvior?

Or Tim Tebow.

look at how virginal I am

The NFL must feel used - I hope these guys at least call in the morning. Scratch that. Speaking of Roethlisberger - a 6, no 4, no maybe 5-week suspension has been handed down by Roger Goodell. Um, why not just make it a solid number? Honestly, if he does not exhibit ‘good behavior’, then why wouldn’t he be suspended for LONGER? While we scratch our heads at the confusing penal code in the NFL, we hope and pray that TO will land at the Redskins and fulfill McNabb’s dreams of vengeance dominance after departing the Eagles.

The MLB is providing us with lots of drama. Already we have a fashion faux pas, a slow death of the Mets season, a tragic death to rally the Rockies and excellent play on the field. We even have one of the best wipeouts of all time, with a little humor thrown in. Easing into the 162-game season is not an option. Especially when a slice of cake lingers at the third base line.

The NHL playoffs are in full grind mode and the Sharks are proving once again that the #1 seed does not guarantee wins in the post-season. It doesn’t even guarantee that you won’t score goals on your own goalie!

We ponder the Capitals’ possible connection to steroids - could this be the tip of the iceberg? Then there’s the NHL’s possible (or probable) fraud of the citizens of Glendale, Arizona and the Donaghy-esque variations in reffing from series to series. We say let ‘em play!

Here at Fantoo, we are finally getting into the swing of the NBA playoffs. And so, it seems, are the players themselves. Smack talk, blocked shots, skirmishes, real defense and set plays. What’s not to love? How about a DJ spinning tunes during the ENTIRE FREAKING GAME in Cleveland. Jeez…and we thought basketball was a sport.

In this week’s It Has To Be Said, we discuss what real friends are for. So grab your detonator, your eye black and the rip cord…it’s time to talk sports with the Girls!

Episode 212
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Ben Roethlisberger’s Ride, Jerry Jones’ Last Call and Allen Iverson’s Crossover with The Girls!

Today The Girls are coming to you live from the Ben Roethlisberger Experience, and let us be the ones to tell you that this ride isn’t at Disney World. Everybody will pick a side, argue that he didn’t do anything criminal, and then wait for the next woman to come forward and say he forced himself on her after one too many Slippery Nipples. It’s time Big Ben left the frat house behind and realized that it is a privilege to play in the NFL. Getting paid millions of dollars to play a game for a living is a total gift and should be treated as such.

Especially for someone like Ben who has millions more fat cells than brain cells. How about instead of a suspension Roger Goodell sends him to a women’s shelter for a weekend? If we were the Commish that’s what we would do.

Did you catch the Hollywood ending at the Masters this past weekend? Good over sleazy? Family man over family shredder? But what was up with that dude’s belt buckle? Isn’t there an ordinance in Augusta that forbids such outlandish attire? Oh, we’re just jealous. We’d love to get our mitts on that hardware.

We at Fantoo are psyched about the path Erin Andrews has helped to pave for all women who want a career on sports media. We’re super psyched that she didn’t suffer physical harm from any stalker that was or still may be out there. That said, as women, we have to question her moves as of late. First the blindfold, then the spread in People mag, then the pawing of her male co-dancers. Erin needs a den mother. Or her actual mother needs to tell her that now is not the best time to tempt fate, so maybe the blindfold isn’t such a good idea given that it’s got FUTURE KIDNAPPING VICTIM WRITTEN ALL OVER IT!!!!!

Look, we’re being selfish. We just want sports to go back to being just about sports and not about naked videos, athlete’s naked packages, mistresses, pole dancers, baby mamma rings…jeez…we’re exhausted. No wonder we can’t find the energy to watch the NBA. Until Saturday, that is! NBA upset anybody? Butler part deux? The Lakers take on the Oklahoma City Thunder. The little engine that could with one guy (Kevin Durant) who snatched the scoring title away from LeBron and another guy (Russell Westbrook) who challenges Kobe on his work ethic each and every day. If you couldn’t muster up a reason to watch the NBA all year, we’re begging you to watch this series.

These guys are the future of the league and are actually decent, regular dudes. Let’s support ‘em, and nothing against the Lakers, but an upset of this magnitude just might make the NBA interesting again. Our Fan-Tutor takes us to the ice as we await the start of the NHL playoffs, and let’s just say the NHL likes awards in multiples. We’re just hoping for all the series to go to 7 and for the finals to be epic. Oh, and for Ovie to hoist the Cup (unless it’s the Flyers). We also hit the diamond in this week’s sports podcast and give you some killer NFL updates, including Jerry Jones’ last call.

Finally, in this week’s IT HAS TO BE SAID, we discuss what will really bring about the end of days. So grab your puffy finger, the closest mascot and a cold brewskie…it’s time to talk sports with The Girls!

Ugh. They’ll probably remove it - maybe because there were about 1,000 parodies made of it within 24 hours. And some really are spectacular.

Like this one

And fortunately, there will be many, many more to follow.

The world has stopped spinning on its axis so it won’t miss a moment of Tiger Woods’ first round in Augusta. Have you called in sick so you too can watch him slowly get back up to speed? We’d watch if we weren’t too busy in therapy trying to wipe our mind clear of the image of Tiger doing his best Acting 101 in his latest Nike commercial, if you can call it that.

Download audio file (fantoo_ep211.mp3)

Episode 211

Tiger Answers, Heyward Homers and Buehrle Does What? with The Girls!

Today The Girls are coming to you live from…not striking while the iron is hot! The new book about the life and Billisms of Bill France Jr. is available NOW in stores. Gosh, if somebody could just find all those NASCAR fans that were kidnapped maybe he’d crack the Top 100 on Amazon. The Girls are bummed this book won’t find its way to the shelves of all those former fans. A little ‘retrosexual’ seems like a good antidote to what ails NASCAR. Perhaps we need less “corporate-speak’ and more colloquialisms like ‘pissin’ through the same straw’. That ought to right the ship.

No mom jeans this time!

But who can concern themselves with NASCAR when in one week we had the start of the 2010 MLB season, Tiger’s presser, the NCAA Championship game, and the trade that sent Donovan McNabb to the Washington Redskins? NASCAR, the NBA and the NHL are all asking Tiger for an apology now, too. Yes, Tiger answered the questions. Well, most of them. And he told the truth, possibly. He only blamed the media once, and - like all good athletes - he’s doin’ it for the kids. We’re not sure what “doin’ it” means in this context, but it sounds innocent. Kinda. At the end of the day no one will ever look at Tiger the same way they did pre-implosion. That’s not so bad…he’s was becoming pretty one-dimensional anyway, what with all that winning. Who knows, maybe the PGA is way more savvy than we all think. If it worked for Paris Hilton maybe it’ll work for Tiger?!

After giving our seal of approval to the trading of McNabb, we pause to give props to Brett Favre for breaking yet another record in the NFL. He is the first grandfather to ever play the game. This man will stop at nothing to inflate his legacy. Congrats, Brett. And thanks for not requiring your daughter to name the child Mangini. That would have been quite a burden.

Hey! Don’t forget to get your World Cup tickets! Just keep an eye out for those white supremacists who have vowed to avenge the death of their leader. They’ve suggested that teams ought not travel to South Africa unless they have the protection of, say, a head of state. Stab vests, ticked-off white supremacists, train tracks that go nowhere…we’re thinking we’d rather clean out the cage of a hungry polar bear than attempt that hornet’s nest.

While Bud Selig and his band of merry men are figuring out ways to destroy rivalries, the players came through for the fans as baseball came in like lion. By now you may have seen Mark Buehlre perform the remarkable feat that is unlikely to be duplicated this year, but if not, here it is.

It wasn’t just the pitchers that were in mid-season form, it was also the hitters, with the exception of Atlanta’s Jason Heyward, this week’s Rookie Look. He wasn’t in mid-season form because he has never been in the MLB in mid-season. But he killed it. On his first swing in the bigs he crushed a three-run homer. He had the start, the finish and everything in between. And he has the league on his shoulders because Heyward is going to usher in the gilded era of baseball. Wait, wasn’t Ryan Howard supposed to do that?

No matter, because as fans we win when players like Heyward, Howard, Polanco, Wright and Pujols all deliver out of the gate. In the first week of baseball we’ve got great pitching, home runs and amazing defense. And lots of stars on the DL. If the teams can stay healthy and add small ball to that salad we’re set till November. Finally, in this week’s IT HAS TO BE SAID, we demand an end to the Vortex. So grab your lightening rod, your pine tar and a real beer…it’s time to talk sports with The Girls!

Hard Knocks, Halftime Circuses and Banned Hits…sort of with The Girls!

Today The Girls are coming to you live from a production meeting for HBO’s Hard Knocks where we make the important wardrobe selections for Svelte Rex and his sidekick Boy Sanchez. We praise the network for giving us the F-U-N, as in the J-E-T-S! Can’t wait for training camp. Anyway, we’re still trying to talk Rex into the mesh Henley but Mark was right there with his arms up in the air saying ‘Ready to slide that outfit on ladies.’ Now that’s a gamer. After we pointed out to Rex that black can only be so slimming (and he lifted his shirt and showed us his rock hard abs), we hightailed it to the NCAA Final Four, and most importantly, announce that Carol has in fact won this year’s pool.

Robin, complaining about line items that were never in the original contract, tries to downplay Carol’s victory in one of the most unpredictable tournaments ever. If memory serves us all, she did not even utter a ‘nice job’ or ‘congratulations’. Sore loser? Or does winning not really mean winning, as evidenced by Carol still has not madking good on her loss of last year…hmmmmm.

We’re psyched to watch the Final Four, but we did have to shed a tear for the NBA as we now know it. The absolute worst thing for them at this time of year is college basketball. We all get a glimpse of how exhilarating the game can be and then we go back to basketball, NBA style. Doesn’t have much style. Especially when you consider the totally cheesy halftime garbage they put out. Really, why do we need more amped-up entertainment that has nothing to do with the game? A hypnotist? Speed Painting? A bicyclist? A DJ scratching tunes in a nightclub format? We think it has more to do with the lack of entertainment and energy of the actual product people are coming to see: ‘Amped-Up it is not.’ -Yoda

Exactly who do they think their audience is, and what are they coming to see? Please. If NASCAR can get back to its roots, so can you David Stern. And since everyone is so scared of you, perhaps you could threaten them into playing defense. Oh, and if you could cut 20 games form the schedule that would be cool. If you can’t we understand, but just know that we cut them from our ’schedule’. We’ll be tuning in around mid-playoffs.

In the mean time we’re watching the Mattress family risk life, limb and cigarette as they race on near-frozen ponds, NASCAR style. Check it.

We have a simple solution for Al Davis regarding his failed investment in JaMarcus Russell. Bring on Donovan McNabb and make JaMarcus a lineman. The dude is being marked at close to 300 pounds. That makes Jared Lorenzen look lean. With a potential eating disorder. If Al can’t admit defeat and cut him, can he at least call him out for taking the money and eating it?

Tiger is playing the Masters next week, but the real excitement is building over a real game-changing event that is sure to reshape golf for eternity. No, it’s not that former mistress Jocelyn James ‘preforming’ at an Atlanta club miles away from Augusta National. Rather, the Masters will be broadcast in 3D! Cuz golf is a perfect fit for that technology. Geek heads may have scooped up all the Panasonic 3D TVs, but us regular folk aren’t going to put on glasses to watch TV. Never. Not even for that thrilla, golf. Now hockey may actually catch on in 3D…once they solve the whole glasses thing. And since the NHL has decided that hits to the head are very dangerous there may be a few players around to keep the sport alive. We just wish they drafted the new rule while sober.

Wanna get thin but perhaps not sober? Tune in and listen to this week’s IT HAS TO BE SAID and ask yourself, What would Jesus eat? So grab your blindside, your tiny plate and a hula hoop…it’s time to talk sports with The Girls!