Before we leave you with this masterpiece, we want to remind you that The Girls will be present and accounted for at Studio 4 for their SIRIUS satellite radio show this Monday, Labor Day. Happy end of summer to you all and bring on the FOOTBALL!

Episode 130
Download audio file (ft082808.mp3)

Today The Girls, one half played by Ron, the infamous mythical husband of Carol, are coming to you live from California Cryobank, where to-be parents are hand picking athletic sperm to create the next Tom Brady. Yea, cuz that works. Once the child is shoved head first into a helmet the rebellion occurs and he or she will instead become a ping pong player. Or swim dancer. Or worse - a curler. Be careful what you wish, pay and push for. Just ask the parents of Jericho Scott, the nine year old pitching phenom who was just too darn fast and accurate. He and his team have been banished from their New Haven, Connecticut little league division. Parents of the kids on other teams thought Jericho was taking the fun out of sports. We assume they didn’t go to the Cryobank, and instead are crying tears because their little Junior isn’t up to snuff. To which we say, Parents - GET OVER YOURSELVES! Your kids just want to have fun. And you are simply too freaking involved.

They ought to just take a look at the USC football team to see what happens to star athletes. There’s an itch that demands to be scratched in sunny SoCal, and we think it must have something to do with Britney Spears, not the new compression shorts they are blaming.

Perhaps Matt Leinart can suggest a soothing emulsion. While some may say we have been a bit premature in announcing that he’s not the starting quarterback for the Arizona Cardinals, we say we are Nostradamus. Sometimes we get a little Dutch Daulton on the Fantoo Girls sports podcast. Sue us. Or congratulate us when it all comes true.

Mini-me? We’re not so sure about that one, Prince Fielder. Perhaps if you were in fact THE Prince you could make that claim when standing next to CC Sabathia, but you look about 250 and Mr. Cuddly is at least 290. We call that twins.

Whatever the moniker, it matters not when you are playing lights out baseball. Keep it up, and keep up the cans of mac & cheese because it seems to suit you. The Girls say it’s CC all the way for the Cy Young award, again. Changing leagues and upping the ante to a sweet 1.59 ERA is enough for us. Maybe they’ll give you a sash and you can turn it into a sail for that new boat you can buy in the off-season.

Oh, Babe. Our hearts break as you crack a cold one in your grave. You, of all people, would understand the heartbreak that is the final season at Yankee Stadium. But you wouldn’t understand how they could have tanked and the Rays (manna, gamma, Ray-bans…your guess is as good as ours) sit atop the pile. Trust us, network executives share your bewilderment. The Girls? We loves us some Rays. So here’s to the return of Evan Longoria and the continued success of a team whose owners really and truly get it. Anyone who drinks Prisoner and puts a winner on the field for less than the cost of a stealth bomber is royalty in our book.

Lo and behold…instant replay hits the diamond. Kidding aside, we salute Bud Selig for taking a stand and making it happen. He’s playing this one perfectly. We shiver at the thought of the Fantoo Girls becoming Bud Selig groupies, but it just might happen. First thing we would do if we hung with the Commish? Take him to Barney’s for a little wardrobe update. Then we’d go to the zoo, run through fountains and play backgammon in Central Park with a picnic complete with some Prisoner. Girls can dream.

There’s nothing we love more than a man who is decisive. Congrats to Michael Strahan for realizing he’s just not that into it anymore. We feel for the Giants defense, and especially for defensive coordinator Steve Spagnuola who has his work cut out for him with Osi Umenyiora sidelined for the season. The Giants defensive made many fans’ dreams come true last year, but they couldn’t grant our wish - abolishing preseason games to prevent injury when nothing is on the line. Darn.

And before we close this week’s podcast, we travel down Beijing’s memory lane. More on the Olympics when Robin returns from her New England vacation. She says she is fishing and water skiing, but we all know she is ‘huddling’ with Belichick. We overheard her mumbling something about getting Larry Mendte to help her hack into the Jets cute little Huddle system. We could be wrong, but we could be right. And, yes, we may be crazy.

Finally, in this week’s IT HAS TO BE SAID we get you all jazzed about London. Boris Johnson is our new crush. This man is priceless. In one short YouTube clip he has captured our hearts.

So grab a Boddington’s, a poorly fitted suit and some whiff whaff…it’s time to talk sports with The Girls!

Episode 129

Swim Dancing, Shuttlecocks, and Manphibian with The Girls!

Today The Girls are coming to you live from the aqua-lair that is home to Manphibian! Part man, part phibian, part precious metal, and gold medal parter-of-water, Michael Phelps is Manphibian. Phelps gets gold eight times over and turns a whole country back onto swimming.

But will it carry over to the 48 months between now and London 2012? If David Beckham is any indication, we thinks not. Perhaps if Phelps gets hooked up with Madonna somehow he can carry it off, but barring that we will all simply look forward to London. The Girls take a lap for you Michael. You rock.

Still kickin’ it in Beijing, we marvel at the speed of Usain Bolt, who finally ran out a race and took home gold for the 200m. We need gold shoes like that, pronto. Rafael Nadal takes gold and then busts it on out of there to race to NYC to meet The Girls. Bring on the Open! He’s so thoughtful. All in all, the Olympics have been thrilling, enlightening even.

Where can you watch badminton cheerleaders? The wave performed like it was for the very first time? All manner of fakery and forgery? Why, Beijing, of course. Which leads us to women’s gymnastics. We don’t know what’s worse, cheating or absurd scoring. Both have ruined the sport. We don’t want to see children perform, no matter how graceful, and if the scoring confounds even MIT nerds than it’s time to get real, on all accounts. It’s beyond wrong to make He Kexin part of an age cover-up so that the host country can increase its chances of winning a medal. Encouraging a child to lie to the world? Criminal. Creating an absurd scoring system that applies no logic whatsoever? Criminal too, when you consider the amount of time, energy, sweat, tears, and coin these girls devote to the sport. Figure it out or count us out.

And so we return to the diamond, where human touch matters and the scoring is easy. We didn’t know the Flobee was still in existence, but apparently Manny Ramirez tucked one away and pulled it out at the request of Joe Torre. The man’s haircut blows, but his performance is heavenly. With the Dodgers and the D’backs trading places, but finally over .500, we await the outburst form the Rockies. You know it’s coming. But it will be too late this year. Have you taken in any of CC Sabathia since his trade to the Brewers? If not, you’re missing out on some action. He can hit, he can run if need be, and best of all, he gives good complete game. 8-0 since his arrival, CC, last year’s AL Cy Young award winner, is setting himself up quite well for free agency. Love it when a plan comes together. Now if he can just get the Brewers to the post-season.

On the gridiron, this week’s Fantoo sports podcast takes a look at the bling the Patriots have ordered up to commemorate their complete and total meltdown last season. Which preceded their complete and total meltdown against Tampa Bay. You ever get the feeling something is a breath away from falling apart??? Just when we’re trying to warm ourselves up to the outrageous cost of attending an NFL football game, Roger Goodell unloads a real whopper on fans across the country: The NFL Fan Conduct Policy. It’s a real treat. Let’s put it this way: If you want to be sure of not getting banned from attending a game you will not boo, yell at opposing fans, get up to use the bathroom, carry a large ‘D’ and a large picket fence, be the 12th man, have one too many beers, or wear a tight fitting shirt if you are of the Pamela Andersen variety. Sounds like fun, doesn’t it? Goodell just single-handedly made the Man-cave a top priority for every football loving person, man or not.

And in this week’s IT HAS TO BE SAID, The Girls bow to Mother Nature and mock those who don’t. So grab your wind meter, leave behind your puffy finger, and dream of Olympic gold on the court…it’s time to talk sports with The Girls!

And now we have Jimmy Rollins of the Philadelphia Phillies, telling us that we shouldn’t boo athletes when their performance is poor, we should encourage them. That’s our job apparently. I never read the fine print on the back of my ticket. Shame on me. Here he is on the Best Damn Sports Show talking about the Philly fans…

Ouch.

Perhaps he could have been more clear and said, “They boo me because I don’t run out fly balls, I’m a shadow of my 2007 self, and I got lost going to Shea Stadium. And they’ll boo my teammates when they aren’t playing well. But when we succeed they cheer louder than any fans in the country.”

Don’t these guys have a filter? And given that he isn’t playing Little League and paying for the right, shouldn’t he be able to encourage himself?

Looks like he already has a phone-a-friend...

Front runners are people who don’t follow a team - or sport for that matter - but show up when the air sniffs of playoffs and the team is pulling away with the division lead. They laugh, they drink, they talk on their cell phones and they have to be reminded when and how to cheer.

Um, J-Roll, based on this criteria you are the front runner. Philadelphia is a city comprised of fans who don’t take short cuts and certainly don’t get lost on the way to the stadium, even if it is Shea.

On the gridiron, straight from the Commish himself, Roger Goodell, we are given another dose of constructive suggestions, I mean laws, as to how we should behave when attending NFL games. Should you resemble any of the behavior below you will lose your right to remain in the presence of high-priced concessions and high-priced athletes, high-priced seat license or not. (Drum roll…)

* Behavior that is unruly, disruptive, or illegal in nature
* Intoxication or other signs of alcohol impairment that results in irresponsible behavior
* Foul or abusive language or obscene gestures
* Interference with the progress of the game (including throwing objects onto the field)
* Failing to follow instructions of stadium personnel
* Verbal or physical harassment of opposing team fans

Me thinks there will be many empty seats at stadiums across the country if these rules are enforced. Sue me, but I’m starting to feel less valued as a fan. I’d rather Goodell’s rules of engagement went something like this:

* If team starts off 0-3 inanimate objects may be thrown onto the field of play during one of the many lengthy television time outs.
* If a team is accused of cheating all post-road game press conferences will be attended by home team fans first, then the media. Line forms at the locker room.
* When players get suspended for rules violations each season ticket holder gets a free beer for each game player is ineligible.
* If a team charges fans for personal seat licenses to raise money to construct a stadium that is too expensive to be financed by their own means, owners must share 5% of the revenues with PSL owners beginning in year 5 of the license. Free beer too. And maybe a home theater system.
* If a team that has charged for PSLs has a losing season three years in a row ownership must refund the cost of the PSL to the owner. And stand in the corner during home games. Again, inanimate objects may be thrown.

We look forward to pleasing you, our loyal fans, during the upcoming season.

Sincerely, your public servant,
Roger Goodell

Isn’t that much more appropriate?

So, my decision? If I can’t boo as creatively and passionately as this I’ll just stew in silence:

The Girls return from vacation with a riotous Monday show on SIRIUS Sports Central, Channel 123 from 1-3PM EST, but you can satisfy the itch tomorrow when last week’s show is replayed for your Sunday morning pleasure. Channel 122 from 11-1PM EST. Back with a freshy podcast next Thursday.

Maybe earlier, if you encourage us.

Mmmm...tasty...

Whilst Robin takes Maine by storm, diving for her own lobsters and picking blueberries by the light of the silvery moon, I bravely hold it all together during a sports collision like no other. Every game on the diamond for those in the hunt is like a playoff game, football is so close I can smell the leather, and the Olympics, well, let’s just say they are the most compelling and complex in decades. If it turned out that the 2008 Olympics were finely crafted movie shorts directed by the likes of Quentin Tarantino, Woody Allen and Martin Scorcese I would be not surprised.

Hollywood loves to take a simple premise and wring it out till it no longer seems simple, but instead, disturbing. The white picket fence leads you inside a well-kept home with dinner simmering on the stove, the dog, bandana tied around his neck, curls up on his very own bed, and the children, all 2.5 of them, sit quietly at the kitchen table doing their homework. Mom and Dad are probably reliving the night he proposed as they sneak some romantic moments in front of a crackling fire, undisturbed.

Except the fence has termites, the dog has lymes disease, the kids aren’t virgins anymore and both Mom and Dad are having extramarital affairs.

Cut to Beijing and the story isn’t much different. Just ask Yang Peiyi, whose breathtaking voice entertained us during the opening ceremonies with a performance of “Ode to the Motherland”, but whose face was deemed not pretty enough to entertain us visually. The New York Times reports that, “under pressure from the highest levels of the ruling Communist Party to find the perfect face and voice, the ceremony’s production team concluded the only solution was to use two girls instead of one.” Apparently, Lin Miaoke was prettier. And that ruled above talent. Because appearances are more important than the truth.

This is not a trend in China alone, but the world over. Except with such a spotlight shone so brightly on a country so unwilling to admit its faults, China’s obsession with appearance versus truth smacks you in your face, whether it’s pretty or not. And it stings. In China it is not just about a pretty girl on the cover of a magazine or a computer-generated screen shot of fireworks for the television cameras, it’s about creating a facade for the world that covers all the ills, beyond the scope of the Olympics. You can paint the moldy wall, but the mold doesn’t go away - it just becomes more toxic.

We are fortunate to be able to celebrate the Olympics, to gather from all points on the globe to honor sports in all its forms with a global competition that allows athletes who have worked so hard to be lauded for their achievements and to have their near miraculous feats viewed by upwards of a billion people. That, in and of itself, is an achievement of which we should all be proud.

Olympians are chosen for their ability to perform their sport at the highest level, far exceeding the performances of all others who have tried to forge a path to the storied Games. The spirit of the Games is that in a nut shell: you are the best at what you do so come to the global stage and perform for the world.

Except for Yang Peiyi. Yes, she was the best to sing “Ode to the Motherland”, but she wasn’t pretty enough to be on camera. I beg to disagree. Actually, I don’t beg at all. I simply think the ruling party in China has their heads firmly planted up their derrieres.

Yang is a beautiful 7 year old girl with perfect little bangs, an adorable smile, and wisdom radiating from her eyes, which is why I am not surprised that she still smiles. Perhaps she does not know exactly what went down when she was used for her talent but pushed aside because her face did not meet the standards of beauty as designated by a ‘ruling party’. (Where is Tyra Banks when you need her?) But one day this girl will do something to alter the landscape of our judgmental society. To me, her work has already begun.

Yang Peiyi (L), Lin Miaoke (R)

So, here we have one child who has learned that her talent will never be enough, and another who has learned that one need have no talent if one is beautiful. How tragic. How utterly tragic.

Simply stated, focusing on appearances is a complete waste of time because what lurks beneath will always emerge. It is also destructive, leads to dishonesty and prevents progress.

Wouldn’t it have been less complicated to have selected the girl who sang the best given that the focus of the performance was singing? Wouldn’t life have been less complicated and tragic for Tang Yongming, the man responsible for killing Todd Bachman and seriously injuring Todd’s wife, Barbara, before plunging to his own death from the Drumm Tower, if he was raised in a land where trust and truth rise above appearances? Wouldn’t we all celebrate China’s gold medal in women’s gymnastics if it weren’t completely clear to you, me and basically every living creature with sight that He Kexin is not, by any stretch of the imagination, 16 years old?

Words of wisdom from my mother: Life is not complicated until you complicate it.

China must have never met my mother.

Remember to check out the girls Sunday for last Monday’s replay on Sirius Channel 122 11am-1pm. And we’ll be back in Studio 4 Monday for 2 hours of madness, Sirius Channel 123 1-3pm.

In the meantime, here’s another link to this week’s podcast for your consumption.
Episode 128
Download audio file (ft080708.mp3)

Enjoy the opening ceremonies of the Olympics. We are sure it will be breathtaking in every way.

Well, it's still green at least.

Since the recording of our gem yesterday, the Favre sweepstakes have ended. Brett Favre is going to…wait for it…the Jets! Rumor was that Brett would not even talk to the Jets - he had rebuffed Man-genius at every turn - he didn’t want to come to New York - no way, under no circumstances. But that is what we have come to expect from Mr. Favre, as he is now known in the New York Times: say one thing and do another. Now Brett, we understand you love the media, so you might fit in quite nicely here, but…and I’m just sayin’…there is a slight chance that the NY media and fans might be less forgiving of your interception dynasty than they were in Green Bay.

But for now the Jets fans are busy crashing the Jets team website to buy the new Favre Jets jersey.

Episode 128
Download audio file (ft080708.mp3)

Burned Bridges, Cracked Skulls and INsane Surveillance with The Girls!

Today The Girls are bringing you this award-winning Fantoo Girls sports podcast live from the abyss between Brett Favre’s reality and the reality of the Green Bay Packers. Never has a member of the NFL resembled a Bridezilla (selfish, emotional, indecisive, demanding, petulant, oh, we could go on…) so perfectly. Sorry Brett, but you aren’t the Green Bay Packers, you were their quarterback. How could a smart man with many years in the business forget that it is just that - a business (not to mention a team)? Praise Vince Lombardi, we’ve had enough! Pennington and Clemens are now weeping softly in the locker room next to the locker reserved for his Favrliness.

Now, off we go to praise an athlete who deserves it: Brad Ziegler, this week’s Rookie Look. He of the sidearm throw, the ability to get anyone to ground out, and that little stat - the ERA - yep, it’s sitting there at 0.00 after 34 innings pitched.

He has now officially crushed the record set by George McQuillan, 27 scoreless innings, for the most scoreless innings at the start of a career in the big leagues. This cat is on fire. Now, if somebody could just make sure he doesn’t crack his skull again. Or, perhaps, a little skull cracking is good for pitchers. Beats ice!

Also on the diamond, we question the diet of Prince Fielder but give him props for promptly apologizing for the smack down of Manny Parra. Maybe he was just cranky - a restricted diet can do that you. We suggest Joba (whom we love and adore) pay a wee bit more attention when the ball is still in play, congratulate Jason Bay for basically making Manny Ramirez a forgotten name in Beantown, and shed not a tear for the Mets and their ills. That said, we love Jerry Manuel. After a little This and That we head East. Far East.

Quite frankly, we’re super psyched we’re not going to China. Way too many hidden agendas, mixed emotions and chicken breasts the size of dinner plates due to the insane amount of steroids that have been pumped into the little science projects called food. That said, we aim to profile athletes who have toiled, labored, sprinted, swam and ping-ponged themselves to the Olympic stage. But we will still take issue with the double-speak like, ‘Here’s some masks we suggest you wear in and around Beijing,’ as uttered by the Olympic Committee (oh by the way - the US Olympic Committee) who then promptly scolded those wearing them for insulting the host country. Reducing the athletes to tears. Distraction? We think so.

If we hear ‘insulting the host country’ one more time, we are going to eat the host country. For real. Long night of drinking, no food, wake up super hungry…we could do it.

And in this week’s IT HAS TO BE SAID, we utter something we never, ever thought we would say. So grab your tea cup dog, fresh batteries for the remote and some organic Peking Duck…it’s time to talk sports with The Girls!

Ladies and Gentlemen - an ad done in 4 takes. That’s hot, and probably much quicker than it took that wrinkly white-haired guy to make this message…

Oh Favre. Do you personally hate Aaron Rogers that much? Or do you just miss being the center of attention THAT much?

We had a good time trashing Favre and his multiple-decision personality disorder today on SIRIUS. But we already mourn the Packers’ season, because nothing good is going to come of this.

And the baseball races just got a little more interesting. Yanks are on a roll, though Justin Christian might want to go a little higher or a little lower on this charge to third. I mean, beating the Angles is important, but this is taking it too far - Chone Figgins (and his family jewels) deserve better.

Beijing has amped up the security surrounding the Olympic events - especially in light of the fact that there has been a spate of roadside bombs in and around Beijing. Um…did anyone know about this? New York Times mentions it in a story today, along with the fact that there are surface-to-air missiles at the ready. Leave the propeller plane at home and check out the games on foot - if you can handle the Smogaggedon, and the heat, and the lines (due to security) and the potential typhoons which threaten the opening ceremonies.

Go World!!!

A few things have changed since we recorded Tuesday: Brett Favre DID send in his letter of reinstatement and will likely be headed north the complete his effort to disrupt the Packers’ training camp. Man, we want Aaron Rogers to take Green Bay to the Super Bowl and win it. Otherwise, he’ll have to go back to a much less lucrative enterprise.

Also in developing news, the IOC (those adventurous Olympic committee members) decided to heed the hypocrisy police and let Iraq compete in the games on the eve of the deadline to submit names for competition. Because if 14-year-olds can compete and promises of ‘no tampering’ can be broken by the HOST COUNTRY, then a few athletes just trying to do something positive for a war torn country might as well be allowed to participate.

Episode 127
Download audio file (ft073008.mp3)

Huddles, Tires and SMOG with The Girls!

Today The Girls are coming to you live from deep inside the HUDDLE, where Jets Coach Eric Mangini goes all beta and throws the most precious of all things, the playbook, online. The new system he is embracing, Huddle, has been deemed secure…by Harvard…which is located in Massachusetts. It’s Facebook for the NFL, only there’s but one team using it. The Jets. You get why we’re totally befuddled and amused by his willingness to tempt the devil, right? Belichick? Belichick? Is that you behind the curtain?

No matter what Barry Bonds offers to do it seems there are no takers. League minimum, prorated, and all of it donated to kids to buy tickets to games. Next thing you know he’ll be offering free clinics on how to grow your head faster than a Jersey watermelon in July. We’d pay to attend that symposium.

Do you recognize this man?

We recorded this week’s Fantoo Girls sports podcast a wee bit early, so Mark Teixera’s move to the Angels didn’t make it in. Rest assured that we have noted it and now are supremely mad that the Rays dropped Satan from their name. Could you imagine what ESPN would have done if the Angels and the Devil Rays faced off on Cloud Nine for the ALCS? Darn. Evil strikes again.

Also on the diamond we marvel at Prince Fielder’s base running. But the real question is, When is he due? And is it twins?

And then there’s the Rockies. Winning again. Will wonders never cease?

What would a podcast be without a little trip inside the mind of Brett Favre? The Girls provide you with his latest list of titles for his tell-all book, which he says he’ll release soon. Or never. Or maybe next year. If he has anything left in him to give the publishing world.

Because we can’t get away from Favre fast enough, we dope ourselves up and get on a ten speed to high tail it to Paris. Carlos Sestre somehow manages to smoke the competition in the time trial and take the yellow jersey for good. Another Spaniard wins the Tour de France, making Spain TitleCountry in our book. His win, however, was overshadowed by Riccardo Ricco’s improbable sprint, stuffed lion in hand, away from the pee cup. Oh, the drama.

Hey! Philadelphia won a Championship! And then was promptly snubbed by the local news as the network deemed the presentation of the trophy not as important as the latest house fire on a Sunday afternoon. In the words of the Ancient Booer, BOOOOOOOOO! Congrats to the Philadelphia Soul!

Welcome to Beijing!!!!

With bandana tied firmly around our faces, we brave Beijing for a little Olympic update. It’s tiny because we can’t breath, and we hate it when that happens. Maybe if we took a swim…oh, can’t do that…killer algae. But we are psyched about how skinny we look in our new LZR swim suits. So svelte! LeBron James predicts gold for the USA basketball team, cuz that works. Yay.

We wanted to take you for a spin around the Brickyard, but our tires shredded. Sorry, buddy.

And in this week’s IT HAS TO BE SAID, we wonder who Ryan Seacrest’s agent is and how he gets his client to do so much. With so little. So grab your oxygen mask, a shoe horn to get your suit on and don the rally cap…it’s time to talk sports with The Girls!

If you’re on your way to the beach, heading to the BBQ or just basking in an air-conditioned room, you can catch our replay tomorrow on Sirius, Channel 122 from 11am to 1pm.

Tune in Monday, Channel 123 from 1-3 for the fresh, live show. We have a new Single Athlete ad - and a new t-shirt to give away. Who will it be? Hint: some say he needs to push away from the table.

We’ll be watching the end of the Tour de France, more to see who comes in as the Lantern Rouge, as opposed to the winner who was able to play the EPO game and actually get away with it for the win. Ahhhh…biking.

Training camps are starting all over the land. The smell of BBQ and tailgate exhaust soon to follow. The Girls can’t wait. Will Favre roll into Green Bay? He told Ted Thompson he would be there this weekend. Fireworks!

Aaron Rogers should find some Visine and offer Favre a little ‘water’ to keep him fresh…

Several MLB divisional leaders are folding like cheap suits. We hope they (Rays, Phils, D’Backs) keep fighting to make the races interesting some September. If not, we say as always…relegation!

Here’s the latest in a new format:
Episode 126

All-Stars, Manic Nut Jobs and NASA with The Girls!

Today The Girls are coming to you live from…THERAPY! No, it’s not a new Vegas nightclub, but rather a club for those athletes we used to love who have gone completely off the deep end. Charter member? #4 himself, Brett Favre. Contrary to popular belief, we did not spend the entire episode going all Kimbo Slice on Favre, but we do marvel at his ability to SPIN. It’s a fresh take on, “It’s not you, it’s me”. But, in this case, the whole drama is due to the actions, inactions and flip-flopping of a truly great quarterback. It IS you Brett. None of this would have happened without you. Just goes to show that sports is simply the canvas upon which humans play out their life choices. Some well, some in epically poor fashion.

The Girls agree with Favre lovers far and wide that he has accomplished more and and meant more to the franchise than most players can even dream about… Yet this off-season fakery, making a mockery out of retirement and the ambushing of Ted Thompson (regardless of what his past sins have been) has already screwed Favre out of his now-mythical and precious “legacy”. Take your Xanax and take it now, sir. We promise the sun will shine again in Green Bay and the NFL if you are not there.

Eyes a wellin'

We high tail it on out of there before he blames something on us and head over to the House that Ruth built. (and the one that Steinbrenner will tear down…we smell a curse for the ages). Take a good look at what was. The All-Star Experience was amazing, until the end of the 9th inning. We would have paid a pretty penny to see the look on Phillies manager Charlie Manuel’s face as he watched Lidge throw pitch, after pitch, after pitch…for warm-ups. All to give it up in the 15th.

Um, Bud, maybe you could repeal that brilliant decision of yours to have the All-Star game settle home field advantage for the World Series and just let it be a game of fun for nine innings total. Tie, shutout, whatever. End it in nine, please. And send home our men safe and sound from the mound. Greatest non-game moment? A Stealth bomber flying over Manhattan. How many people on the street cowered in fear, we wonder?

Hey, where was Tim Lincecum? Flu symptoms? Pu-lease. The Giants are just super smart and unwilling to risk their most valuable player. Kudos. Our Fan-Tutor keeps us on the diamond and rehashes Selig’s genius. And we congratulate Josh Hamilton for winning the Home Run Derby. He didn’t, you say? Oh yes he did! Why let silly little rules and elimination rounds get in the way. No offense to Justin Morneau (scorer of game-winning run), but upon final tally of home runs and distance, he was smoked.

Home Run Derby

And now we enter baseball’s final drive. Let the games begin.

Ah, games…makes us think of the Olympics. China isn’t the only Olympic host with disaster on the brain. Keep an eye on London as they try and clean up radioactive materials on the site of the 2012 Olympics. Why bother? We should just lighten up and let the good times glow. While on European soil, The Girls salute Brandon Jennings who flipped the bird to the NCAA and is gearing up to start his professional basketball career in Europe. We’ll keep you posted on his progress in future sports podcasts.

On the hard court stateside we get excited about the foreign flair that Mike D’Antoni is bringing to the Knicks. Forget the nonsense about his ’shoot first ask questions about how to play defense later’. He’ll play his guys like a violin, and the NY media like a tuba. It’s going to be great fun to watch it unfold. Five grand for charity in the Fraud in the Foam? Via Sikahema knocks over Jose Canseco (he must have been distracted by a bikini) and all he can muster is five grand? Wow. We’re glad we didn’t carve out time from our glamorous life for that one…we spare you too.

This year’s Tour de France hasn’t set our hearts on fire what with some guys still taking EPO. Another, Riccardo Ricco, announced today. Here’s a solution if you really want doping out of the sport:LIFE TIME BAN! Doesn’t take a genius to figure that one out. But please don’t ask Bud Selig his opinion. News flash! Kyle Busch wins again. Stretch. Yawn. Repeat. How did NASCAR become so irrelevant so fast? We blame The Chase. GO HYBRID! It’s the best idea since the invention of the wheel.

And in this week’s IT HAS TO BE SAID we ponder how we too can be funded to the tune of billions and get away with making multi-million dollar mistakes that 9th grade science students would avoid. There must be a way. So grab your maple bat, your do-it-yourself rocket kit and some fresh mint from the garden for a frosty mojito…it’s time to talk sports with The Girls!

Phoenix Lander