After The Girls wrapped Episode 194, Tiger Woods spoke to the world via his blog. He took responsibility for his actions in the first paragraph, and then he chastised all who were curious over the past few days as his mistresses spilled the truth about the real Tiger Woods in the next two paragraphs. That doesn’t suggest that, as of yet, Tiger has learned anything. He’s right. It’s none of our business…until it’s crammed down our throats day in and day out because his personally crafted image has been (Robin’s favorite word inserted here) soiled.

The burning question for us is, Why? Why risk everything you’ve built for a roll in some hotel sheets? Why risk breaking the heart of the woman you married? The mother of your children? The one who comforted you when your Dad died? And why risk your life? Why take the chance that one of these women could go all Lorena Bobbit on you? Or worse? If any man can answer that question Robin will gladly clean out your garage.

And now let’s get this partay started:

Episode 194

Tiger’s Trysts, Dunlap’s DUI and Iverson’s BACK with The Girls!

Today The Girls are coming to you live from…TMZESPN! Has a sweet ring, no? It was a stroke of genius for ESPN to have TMZ be the ones sniffing around Tiger Woods’ garbage, cuz let’s face it, this story is about as sleazy and gossipy as they get. And sad. Even with all the perfect one-liners that easily come to mind. As easy as getting a nightclub waitress, hostess, VIP chick to toss any shred of morality to the wind and boff a married athlete!

Here’s the thing that’s ironic (besides the Accenture ad in the Wall Street Journal that ran on the weekend); one day these 20-ish single chicks will get married and heaven help the man who pops the question, because no matter how devoted he is to her she will always wonder if he is cheating. Guys, please know that being monogamous is sexy. Being respectable is sexy. If you have to take a walk on the wild side, take that walk with the woman you married. Chances are she’s pretty bored too. And, cough, ladies who sleep with Tiger (LWST for short), it’s way hotter to say, “No thanks, you’re married.” than “OOOOHHHHHH, sure Mr. Woods! Of course I will sleep with you because you have cash and I’m a sucker for a wealthy guy who’s a sucker for girls who who have no morals AND work in nightclubs!”

Looking pretty good now, aren’t I?

Nothing is more shocking than the fact that Tiger Woods willingly caused his family that much pain. But there’s a close second…did anyone think a Stanford graduate could be that dumb? He should have his diploma revoked. He makes John Daly look like the new poster child for MENSA. Two words Tiger: STEVE McNAIR. And the person pulling the trigger may be closer than you think.

Anyway, in addition to Carlos Dunlap’s DUI and the signing of Allen Iverson by the Sixers, some actual sports happened this past weekend, and we try hard to put on the blinders and take you through some NFL, NBA and NHL action.

On the ice, Ovechkin got his own knee taken out by trying to take out the knee off Tim Gleason. Tsk. Tsk. Perhaps he’ll learn a little lesson, but do you really want Ovechkin playing clean? And is his brand of dirty really all that dirty? This is hockey, you know. The game where a man (Ian Laperriere of the Flyers) can take a puck in the mouth, get 50-100 stitches, lose 7 teeth, four of them real, and come back out and play the third period. We’ll say it again: during the NFL lockout in 2011 the NHL will rule the universe.

Besides, by 2011 every football player will be sidelined with a concussion and we’ll all be forced to watch the Lingerie Bowl. Every Sunday. How did we go from a few concussions a year to half a dozen a weekend? How is it that Ben Roethlisberger is even capable of saying “I can’t play.”? Hines Ward thought he should have said that a little sooner so somebody else (PeeWee Herman? Taylor Swift? The Naked Cowboy?) could practice with the first team during the week. Oh, okay. So overnight we go from “Get in there and play till you’re dead!” to “Whoa, not yet son. You clearly have the woozies!”?

A Den Mother…every professional sports team needs a Den Mother. How else is it gonna get done right?

We also dish on Brett Favre and his insane stats this year, Vince Young and his continued streak of wins…with that little interruption for his mental health, and we DO NOT have an “Eric Mangini Sucks” segment this week. Instead we talk about cross-coaching. Finally, in this week’s IT HAS TO BE SAID, we urge the ladies to reign in the desire for the perfect bod. So grab your bum - it’s lovely, a wedge - cuz that’s the fashion accessory of the season (and we’re not talking shoes) and a hot toddy…it’s time to talk sports with the girls!

This entry was posted on Thursday, December 3rd, 2009 at 10:52 am and is filed under Fantoo Blog Home. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.