The Fantoo kitchen is working overtime cooking up a feast for NFL 2009! We’ve got your chili, your ribs, your wings, your beer and cheddah fondue. Well, strike the ‘your’ part. Unless you plan on coming over. To get you in the mood, we’ve crammed Episode 182 with more sports, more laughs, and more snarky comments than ever before. Get your bib on and dig in…

Episode 182

Flushing Madness, NFL CBA OMG, and the Bean-O-Meter with The Girls!

Let’s hope we don’t see this again…

Today The Girls are coming to you live from deep inside the soon-to-be filled NFLPA piggy bank, where new director DeMaurice Smith steps up to become the adult-on-duty, urging players to save for a rainy lockout day.

Holy smokes, this guy looks like the pastor of a well-know Baptist church in Philadelphia. Does that make you trust him more or less?

If you follow these non-negotiations closely you’ll have the same pit in your stomach that we have here at Fantoo. Both sides think they are holding the upper hand, all negotiations will be carried out by men, and men want to WIN. We predict shots of whiskey by Day 100, and an awful lot of bored football players by the start of the lockout in 2011. Did anyone tell Michael Crabtree about this little wrinkle in his grand scheme? Especially the part about there being no cap…and therefor no floor? We smell early Fannies Award nomination.

No mammaries in these pics, but we’re sure they’re staring at some!

In addition to having the most mammaries on parade we’ve ever seen at a sporting event (actually ever anywhere), the US Open also has an impersonator, a humble teen without a room, a gate-crasher who wasn’t naked, and a Pterodactyl hellbent on destroying the game. Talk about an all-around value. And why is it that we are here and not there? We would have brought the girls out. Especially knowing that security was a little too mesmerized by Nadal’s abdominal bandage to actually do their job. We’ll be glued to our phone (USTA, call us!) and our TV watching every minute of the action.

So, Allen Iverson says God picked the Memphis Grizzlies for him. Does one give thanks for that? Just a’wonderin’…

Maybe Dirk Nowitzki should have checked in with God before getting all tangled up in this:

Cristal Taylor (sure, we bet that’s her name from birth) knows a thing or two about fraud and theft and forgery, so it was not surprising that she convinced Dirk she was pregnant with his baby. The real mystery is how she got him to talk to her in the first place. And ask for her hand in marriage. Maybe he just wanted to marry her hand and leave the rest of her back in prison, where she now resides. The guys are NEVER going to let him forget “the one that got away”.

Football is upon us, and The Girls are calling the 2009 season ‘The Year of the Offensive Coordinator’. Buffalo, Tampa Bay and Kansas City have some catching up to do.

Well it’s the year of the OC for some, but not this guy…

Once the vacancies are filled, let the fun begin. Offenses are itching to get creative with so many weapons (we’re not referring to those with triggers) at their disposal. Hopefully the Wildcat will be the tip of the iceberg. But Carson Palmer isn’t talking out his jock strap when he says somebody is going to get killed. The guys are bigger, faster and more focused than ever on making Sports Center. But is the NFL making the same error baseball did when they gave it all up for the long ball? Quarterbacks and wide receivers are protected like Faberge Eggs, while running backs and tight ends get the wrecking ball treatment. Just remember - defense wins Championships, long drives are the most satisfying way to score, and Hail Mary’s should be reserved for miracles. (Yes, Favre, we’re talking to you.)

Ben Roethlisberger is breathing a sigh of relief, or laughing his arse off, after Andrea McNulty offered him an alternative to his day in court. Pretty simple: admit rape, write an apology, and donate $100,000 to charity. We pause for giggles.

As the rosters hit 53 men, Holly in Washington wants to know what the deal is with the practice squad in this week’s Fan-Tutor. We not only solve that mystery but also the mystery of the starting quarterback in Cleveland. Mangini…he’s so clever. Wonder if he brought the Huddle system over with him. Perhaps the better question is, Did the Jets change their passwords?

Shawn Merriman…Tila Tequila…is anyone surprised by this?

In other near-Darwin Award news, NY Giants WR Steve Smith likes to snack on raw cookie dough. (Note to selves: Call the NFL and offer to counsel players on dating girls, saving money and food recalls.) UPDATE: It’s the ice cream version. Still toxic, but not nearly as immediately dangerous. Just dangerous overtime.

Over on the diamond we dish on Lincecum’s bad back, Madison Bumgarner’s major league debut for the Giants (he also shaved for the first time that night), and take a Rookie Look at Buster Posey, the Giants youthful catcher. They may not get the Wild Card this year, but the SF Giants are building a seriously talented roster of youngins. Who can talk about the Pittsburgh Pirates without immediately thinking relegation? Definitely not us. Want to up the ante? Then fans will think twice about posting this sign:

Threaten whole teams with a trip back to the minors. The fans would love it, the players would kick it into high gear before the All-Star break (how novel!), and it would be awesome to pay 7 bucks to see the Mets in a minor league ballpark while Citi Field becomes a public square, free for all to use at anytime. We also unveil our Bean-O-Meter where we judge the severity and intentional nature of a ball and body colliding at the plate. It’s part science, part gore. And not to be missed.

Finally, in this week’s IT HAS TO BE SAID, Hugh Hefner shows his age, and gives hope to girls like us. So grab your pennies, bid on the Coyotes, and stock the fridge…it’s time to talk sports with The Girls!

This entry was posted on Thursday, September 10th, 2009 at 9:58 am and is filed under Fantoo Blog Home. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.