An epic week in sports, no? The Yankees sweep, Josh Hamilton’s fall from grace, Baron Davis’ stolen computer…even though Robin is on vacation the Fantoo Girls couldn’t turn their backs on such fodder. Throw in NFL training camp and Michael Crabtree’s (agent’s) absurd, laughable, misguided behavior and you have the makings for a killer finish to the summer. All we can say is, Thank you. We’d be so bored without you.

Without further adieu we bestow upon you one hell of a podcast.

Episode 178

Today The Girl is coming to you live from the set of another Fantoo Girls production, “Everybody’s Got a Network!” Which means you have another shot at a total lack of objective coverage of your beloved sports. The SEC has decided to go all Kim Jong-il on its fan base by restricting coverage of their sporting events. After inking a 2.25 billion-dollar deal with ESPN, and apparently having a conversation or six with their lawyers, the SEC has yanked up the drawbridge and waved its finger at those who wish to capture highlights, photos or simply the ‘memories’ of games and tweet or otherwise share said ‘memories’. No more facebook posts for ye! It’s just further evidence that when these cats call a meeting to establish ground rules, write up a contract or determine fine-able behavior, they do so with copious amounts of alcohol. How else to explain such absurd and controlling actions? The students of the SEC can teach the ‘out-of-touch’ leaders a thing or two about cultivating a loyal following. Shame, SEC, shame.

And shame on Patrick Kane. Dude, .20 cents? Really? You couldn’t tip the cabbie a buck-twenty for having to drive your drunk bum home at 4 AM from Buffalo’s nightclub ‘DISTRICT’? And since when does Buffalo have a district for nightclubs? A whole district? Wow. We can’t decide what aspect of that story is more surprising, but we’re leaning towards the revelation that Buffalo is more happening than most real cities.

Going states now, we turn our sites towards New Jersey. The politicians have decided that it’s had enough of teams taking the state for granted after the Nets removed ‘New Jersey’ from its road jerseys. Now the politicians are stomping mad and won’t give the teams another dime of taxpayer cash until the uniforms reflect the state in which the teams play their home games. Um. Guys. Too. Late. You gave them all the coin they needed to build stadiums on the backs of the citizens of New Jersey already and now you throw a hissy fit? Why are we not surprised by the order of these events? Because politicians date after they are married, steal your cash after they are elected and get paid to do nothing after they are kicked out of office. For life. No surprise there.

So, somebody stole Baron Davis’ computer. Before the trail cooled off his ‘representation’ made darn sure that those who have the computer are aware that they will be prosecuted if they release any of the stored images, audio or personal files. Hmmmmm…they go on to say that “the photographs and videos depict, among other things, a variety of private images of our client and his associates and his colleagues.” Here we go again. More sex tapes. Just what we need.

What we have been watching non-stop since Tuesday is the video of Kevin Youkilis charging the mound after being pelted by Rick Porcello of the Detroit Tigers. Enough with the mob behavior, oh boys of summer. These hits and retaliation hits are only going to result in someone getting killed one day and then it’s going to suck for everyone. It’s all fun and games till somebody bites the dust, eats the dirt, collapses at home plate.

As much as we appreciate Ozzie Guillen taking one for the team, we just don’t need this nonsense. We’d prefer it if you would settle the battle on the diamond and then take it to Pay-Per-View so we can make a date out of it. But Kevin, no matter what anyone says, that was quite a charge. We were impressed. We even feared for the mound itself.

And we understand why you’re testy. It hurts to get hit by a fastball and it KILLS to get swept by the Yankees, especially with A-Rod hitting homers and blowing kisses. After dishing on Nick Swisher and his wardrobe, we marvel at the Yankees new-found childlike innocence. Shaving cream pies, Kangaroo Court, what’s next? Crazy Hair Day? Opposites Day? Whatever it is, keep up the goofy factor cuz we need some Bronx drama in the post-season.

Our Rookie Look is so deserved that it’s sad to do it without Robin (who is scouting for the Nationals, tracking down terrorists bent on disrupting the Badminton World Championship and trying to find that perfect pair of Jimmy Choos to go clamming in) but we couldn’t let this one get away. Australian big-leaguer, Trent Oeltjen, joined the Diamondbacks on August 6th, after toiling away for nine years in the minors. He’s gone 12-24 with 3 homers in his first five games. Oh, and he’s stolen two bases, probably carried some veterans’ jock straps, walked a frail woman across the road and doused a forest fire. Or so we’ve heard.

Sadly, he did not hit for the cycle on August 11th. It’s a disappointment that will take years to get over, but we’ll try and refrain from booing him. Trent, keep it up, don’t frequent the same establishments as Josh Hamilton, lock your doors at night (chicks in the States are out ‘o control), and beg Sports Illustrated to keep you off the cover. And if you need to add a little spice to your repertoire just spend some time watching Shane Victorino. It’s not great to get ejected from the game for arguing balls and strikes…when you are in the outfield playing D…but he adds a certain flair that keeps the game light, which means the wins come a wee bit easier.

For our take on Josh Hamilton you’ll have to listen in to this week’s sports podcast. Let’s just say we don’t think this is the first time post-sobriety that Josh has done the whole college-chick-whipped-cream-naked-on-the-bar thing. It’s just that this time someone took a picture. Or twelve. And he posed for them!

D.U.M.B. Also smack in the D.U.M.B. category are the state troopers who threw an Open House at the Shooting Range party for the Pittsburgh Steelers in 2006. Lt. Myra Taylor says the State Police often host community groups for firearm safety instruction. (Try. Please try and contain your laughter.) She also says that “this was a good faith gesture to ensure that they (Steelers) knew how to operate firearms.” By the looks of this photo the class did not graduate. Pointing guns at the heads of other people in the ‘class photo’ does not get thee a gold star. And we wonder why athletes think they can get away with murder. (By the way, that was not a euphemism.) Please let us know when those in charge of the fire safety party have been terminated.

We wish we had some great news regarding the upcoming start to the NFL season, but so far it’s all about the injuries. Which has us wondering if the injuries are all about the “conditioning”. (Now that IS a euphemism…for supplements.) The only bright spot is the continued holdout of Michael Crabtree. That is something to cheer about because it’s going to force Roger Goodell to finally do something about the rookies, their agents, the ridiculous demands they make and their inability to negotiate anything conclusive before training camp.

How about ‘Just Sign It’?

Crabtree is an ass, but he’s also a catalyst for change. He’ll sit out the year, get fat and open a rib shack. The NFL will negotiate a new CBA with a rookie salary scale and call it ‘The Crabtree” and all will be happy. ‘Cept Crabby. Here’s a little advice for all rookies who haven’t signed because your agents say they can’t determine your value without other rookies signing their deals - DROP EM LIKE THEY HAVE SWINE FLU. Determine your fair value, keep their ten percent and get your tail into camp. You will have a much better chance at keeping your job, and therefor your paycheck. Honestly, it’s not that difficult.

Finally, in this week’s IT HAS TO BE SAID, Don’t blame YouTube, Blame You! So grab a fire extinguisher, the neck of an agent and .20 cents - you never know when you’re going to need it…it’s time to talk sport with The Girls!

This entry was posted on Thursday, August 13th, 2009 at 10:45 am and is filed under Fantoo Blog Home. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.