He may be smiling now, but he’s going to take you out, PGA members, picking you off, one by one and crushing your dreams…

Apparently, Tiger Woods is going to be back on tour now that Charlie Axel Woods has been born and he can finally save focus on golf. Well, that’s according to everyone except the big man himself. He’s apparently changing diapers, limping around the house and trying to catch up on his sleep before coming back to the links.

Episode 153

Stolen Bikes, Over-The-Counter Injectables and Rain-outs with The Girls!

Today The Girls are coming to you live from the set of another fully-funded Fantoo Girls blockbuster production, ‘The Purloined Pedal Pusher’, starring Lance Armstrong and his one-of-a-kind-totally-stolen-time-trial bike. (Whew, dashed out.) Selling this thing would be like trying to pawn the Hope Diamond in Detroit. Somebody’s gonna pick up on the fact that it’s not your average everyday bike.

**Update - Twitter helped Lance find his precious bike and now he can get back to thumping the competition.

We’re off to the mountains as Mt. Everest makes a long overdue podcast appearance with the news that the world’s highest cricket match is to be played in the Dead Zone. Or base camp. It’s Everest…does it matter where? If they aren’t overcome by lack of oxygen or lose their footing and slide off a cliff, they will certainly be a bit out of breath which could make for an exhilarating cricket match.

Gridiron-addicts Alert: The NFL Combine-a-thon starts up this week. Now’s your chance to create a drinking game to end all drinking games! Maybe the phrase is, “Look at his vertical!”, or “My what a fabulous forty he has!”, or “If only he brought his #2 pencil.” If your intention is to evaluate talent for this year’s draft then we at Fantoo suggest you conduct a vetting process that is more in line with what you expect these guys to do on Sundays. You know, like scrimmage. Doesn’t take a genius, but we’re here if you need us. Would you let a Super Bowl end in the 3rd quarter? We didn’t think so.

NASCAR, be brave. Even Bud Selig could do it and he’s really not down with decisions on the fly. Either move the start time up, resume the race the next day, or never let them start their engines. If this is your Super Bowl then it was a bust. When your weather report predicts the image below, then it’s time to make a plan. Poor Matt Kenseth (winner*).

On to A-Rod. Man, we tried. We gaff taped our mouths but the name still escaped. At this stage A-Rod is the least interesting character in the group. We’d like to spend a bit of time with his completely inept PR group. We’re certain A-Rod wouldn’t have wanted to tell the truth (why start now?), but a good PR team would have beat him into submission (or had Madonna do it) so that he came clean. Had that happened, case closed. Now we’re all going to be subjected to another Bonds-esque circus.

Is the Andy Warhol version of this available yet? He IS an icon now.

Here’s our attempt at A-Rod stylin’.

Unless he quits the game. As he should, because he clearly has no respect for it. ‘Nuff said. Oh, except that we think all the kids have been saved by now. (Funny thing…no kid with a brain would want to be saved by a dude who shoots stuff in his rear when he has no idea what it is or what it does. Kids are waaaayyyy smarter than that, as in ‘Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?’ Even those that don’t go to college.)

Our Fan-Tutor this week dispels the myths surrounding the use of instant replay in MLB. We wrap baseball with a welcome back to the boys of summer. Spring Training is the light at the end of the tunnel and we fully embrace it. We just need a ticket to the place below to complete our happiness,

Yes, we venture back to enjoy the NBA All-Star game…and then we are immediately engulfed by the nightmare that is the return of Charles Barkley. The Sir-loin returns tonight and we desperately hope that he is not sitting behind a desk. It is a doubleheader, you know, and we’re just not certain what’s going on behind those TV desks. Our Rookie Look highlights the determination of one OJ Mayo who leads all rooks in scoring and minutes. As we’ve said before, you need not look far for a basketball player who is turning up the heat these days. Oh, and finally, the Oklahoma City Thunder Miami Heats have revealed their mascot. He’s a Bison named ‘Rumble’…cuz that’s intimidating. Don’t they just stand there and graze?

We could have devoted an entire podcast to this news: ‘Slap Shot’ is being remade. Yes, it’s true. Except it’s going to be about lacrosse. KIDDING! But we have recently come to learn that the fights in lacrosse are EPIC and worthy of big screen treatment. We’ll be following this story like A-Roid follows veiny, gristle-y, man-girls. (Sorry for making you sick there.) And finally, in this week’s IT HAS TO BE SAID, we discuss rash economic sacrifices. So grab your mullet, your bike and let it flow…it’s time to talk sports with The Girls!

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