As we slide into payoff madness, we try to stay connected to the rest of the sporting world. Yes, playoffs, the convention in sports that no one can look away from. Get the hint, NCAAF??? We do our best. How could you possibly ignore the fact that Adam Jones Pacman was released from the Cowboys? And that’s not the LEAST of his worries! Or the Celtics lose again last night to the Rockets at home?

Or that Favre is equally as miffed by his teammates as they are with him? Or what is happening on the back burner of the Hot Stove? Or the Fannies - our year-end awards celebration and extravaganza, where votes are still being tallied. A quick run-through of the categories below:
1) The Good Guy Gone Bad Award
2) The Bad Guy Gone Good Award
3) The ‘Do I Offend’ Award
4) The Trading Spaces Award
5) The Humpty Dumpty Award
6) The Unrequited Love Award
7) The Epic Screw You Award
The Fat-lete of the Year Award
9) The Big Story of 2009 Award
10) The Baby, You Rock Award
11) The Fan Czar Award
Your nomination so far have been priceless, hilarious and spot on. Keep ‘em coming to info@fantoo.com.

Episode 148

Hot Messes, NFL Playoffs, and Crab Dribbles with The Girls!

Today The Girls are coming to you live from the HOT MESS that is the Boston Celtics. They’re mavericking before mavericking is even an option! Dropping 6 of the last 8 games is no way to repeat, boys. But maybe the addition of Stephon Marbury will be just what the doctor ordered, because that works. Perhaps they’re just getting it out of their system before crunch time. But what is that saying? Oh, yeah, losing is contagious. We say just play D. Not D for dumb, but D for DEFENSE.

Sir Charles, ever heard of TMI? It’s kind of like overindulging in PDA…

Poor Bavetta. We’re sure Barkley didn’t race to see him twice in one week. We bet he didn’t even CALL the next day.

You think sharing with the cops is going to get you out of trouble? Dude. Have you not learned anything from your boys? We’d suggest you spend some time with The Girls, if we would have you, which we wouldn’t, so we won’t suggest it. We do wish we could have spent some time with Mark Ingram, former NY Giants receiver, before he went all vanish on the feds to watch his son play football. Not exactly setting a good example, but we appreciate his parental dedication. Sort of. Sad. And he missed the game anyway. Busted!!

What’s not at all sad is the NFL Playoffs. The Wild Card weekend did not disappoint, unless of course your team lost. We feel your pain, ‘cept not this year! Not yet, anyway. But the play on the gridiron was exciting, especially the acrobatics of Larry Fitzgerald, the jack rabbit speed of Darren Sproles, and the ageless defense of the Baltimore Ravens.

By the way, that’s 5′6″ Sproles there on the left.

While the Philadelphia Eagles played well enough to advance, we’re still smarting from Donovan McNabb’s Shirley Temple dance moves. Westbrook? Now that man can dance…through defender after defender. The Eagles may have been a hot mess in November, but they are the team with steam right now. Which leads us to the divisional round. Steve Spagnuolo is interviewing for a new job (omen?), Jeff Lurie is preparing a new high five move (because this one didn’t work - look out Christina!).

Kerry Collins is perplexed (how did I get here?), Ben Roethlisberger is concussed (how did I get here?), and Vincent Jackson is wishing he had called a car service. Sproles said he would have driven Jackson’s car…if he could have reached the peddles. Yuk-yuk.

The Girls give our predictions in this week’s sports podcast, and being the objective cats we are, we picked the Eagles to go. All. The. Way.

Over on the hard court we school you in the fine art of the crab dribble, a LeBron fave until it got all illegal. But isn’t traveling like a misdemeanor these days anyway? Everybody’s doing it, doing it, doing it.

You be the judge.

Somebody’s not doing it for the Chicago Bulls. Joakim Noah needs a good talking to. He hasn’t been able to shed the BMOC sash and fall in line with team rules in Bullsville. Kids these days…Somebody send him to the Larry Brown Etiquette school before he has to manage a rib joint and wear a hair net, like someone else we know.

Can you send a hockey player to Larry Brown’s school too? Because Jarkko Ruutu needs some disciplining. Biting the Sabres’ Andrew Peters’ thumb? Seriously, that’s more pre-K than pre-K itself. Seriously, dude, that’s what three year-olds’ do. Cut it out. Slap. Slap. ALERT: Sean Avery update! His beard ‘girlfriend’, Kelly Klein, dumped him and he ended up at Bungalow 8…with his brother, crying into his perfectly folded hanky. Sources tell us that once his tears were dry he asked the server to hand wash it in cold with just a touch of Woolite. And bring a Cosmo with a twist on his way back.

Another Winter Classic has come and gone and those that attended left happy…and a little cold. It was a great site to see a rink laid out in all its frostiness in the midst of such a classic baseball
stadium. We commit before you to attend next year’s Winter Classic no matter the location…but if the NHL could see fit to make sure the bar scene and shopping are up to our lofty standards we would very much appreciate it.

Here’s a teeny tiny hot stove-ette update for you: Pat Burrell has landed with the Rays, named after some guy named Ray. We will miss you. You are our hero. Not for hitting the series-clinching double in game 5.2 in this year’s World Series, but for snagging such a sweet gig - DH, sunshine, ocean, hot chicks, Joe Maddon, red wine after every practice, good music, Joe Maddon, a repeat trip to the World Series, red wine after every practice. You have done well, young man. Did we mention Joe Maddon?

And in this week’s IT HAS TO BE SAID we beg for her to just get over Obama! Everybody eats when their heart is broken, but sometimes you just have to throw away the chips and move on. So grab your dark chocolate, some cozy blankets and throw another log on the fire…it’s time to talk sports with The Girls!

This entry was posted on Thursday, January 8th, 2009 at 9:26 am and is filed under Fantoo Blog Home. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.