Tribune photo by Cheryl A. Guerrero / October 5, 2008

Perhaps some fine print in the ethereal contract that exists between a sports franchise and its fan should be inserted to ensure that all parties understand the agreement. We, at Fantoo, would be happy to provide said language. We have no formal legal education, and we consider this to be a benefit, for it does not take a lawyer to explain the potential pitfalls of this most emotional relationship.

Here goes…

The Franchise agrees to:

1. Keep fan expectations low by having at least two slumps during a season to show the fan how the other side (ie: Pirates, Bengals, Grizzlies and Thrashers fans) lives. That way, when the franchise lays down and dies in the first round of the post season the fans will be able to draw upon past experience to behave accordingly in the present. Appropriate fan behavior is our highest priority.

2. Conduct press conferences as if they are waterboarding exercises. The franchise does consider the press conference to be a torturous and unnecessary exercise that we hope to banish in the near future. It’s a futile endeavor as fans do not understand the nuances of competing on a professional level in sports, so we consider any explanations to be for naught. However, we will humor the fan because we enjoy toying with them.

3. Become increasingly ‘creative’ when financing our extraordinarily expensive franchise. By using quotation marks we hope to protect ourselves from criminal charges, in the unlikely event that the government would investigate our stadium funding initiatives, among other ‘financing strategies’. Yep, quotes again. We’re all about taking little to no risk.

4. Behave as the commitment-phobic boyfriend. At no time will we listen to, value or be swayed by fan opinion. See, that opinion is often fueled by emotions, and we have none, so we don’t understand the language.

5. Cheat. Whenever we’re sure we won’t get caught. And if we do get caught we’ll act smug and roll our eyes while we begrudgingly hold a press conference to apologize to the team ownership, staff and players. (See item #2)

6. Attempt to remember to thank the fan, but guarantee to increase prices all around, should the franchise accidentally win the championship.

The Fans agree to:

1. Devote our entire being to the franchise, willingly taking on whatever responsibilities we can, financial or otherwise, to assist the team as they commit without reservation to win a championship.

2. Go into debt to ensure that the franchise can build unaffordable stadiums, sell out personal seat licenses, over-charge for basic fan needs (parking, beer, beer, beer, toilet paper…we assume that surcharge is coming down the pike to a billion-dollar stadium near us) and do just enough to remain competitive because that’s doable. The championship thing? That’s a lot harder. (See item #3)

3. Understand that it’s hard to win a championship and will enter into therapy if needed to come to terms with the fact that the franchise will do just enough to remain competitive while achieving the ultimate goal of being outrageously profitable. Money talks, trophies collect dust. Fans will state for the record that they are willing to dust, if asked.

4. Never boo, because that hurts the players feelings.

5. Put aside all common sense and succumb to deep depression when the franchise blows an easy win, gets swept in the first round of post season play, forgets how to run a two-minute offense, leaves in the middle of the night for greener (taxpayer funded???) fields, cheats and gets caught, fights amongst themselves and feigns emotional detachment when any and all of the above occur.

6. Should the franchise win the championship we will forgive all transgressions and even bend over for a little post-win paddle. Because that’s what we’re here for.

The Fantoo Girls suggest that, as a sports fan, you take the time to remember the person who broke your heart, but gave you an amazing ride. For as time passes, you remember the ride and not the pain. Unless you’re a girl, and then you remember everything. Because you catalog it. And revisit it. Over and over.

And, as girls, we know it’s pretty easy to cheer you guys up. (Ladies, we trust you have alternate methods…ours involves tequila, fresh lime and some rocks.) So boys, this one’s for you:

We’re sure Marissa Miller can cure anything.

This entry was posted on Monday, October 6th, 2008 at 1:46 pm and is filed under Fantoo Blog Home. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.