It’s been a long hiatus with Robin hiking volcanoes in Guatemala and Carol waiting anxiously for her return. Once Robin finally passed her baggage search (one can never have too much Don Rodrigo rum, can they?) and scarcely cleared US Customs, there was a lot to talk about. What with the Clemens, Pettitte, McNamee trifecta in Congress, the NBA All-Star weekend, basketball mega-trades, severed arteries and the Daytona 500, the sports world was clearly NOT on vacation.

After already taking down Studio 4 at SIRIUS on Monday, we bring you the condensed, family-friendly version of last weeks events…

Dealers and Users, Daytona and Dunks with The Girls!
Episode 107

Today The Girls are coming to you live from the back rooms of our government where Hugh Hefner reigns as maitre’d and the vino flows, time is wasted playing parlor games put together by lobbyists - with the tab going directly to you. Little did we know, the hearing weren’t about steroids in baseball - they were about the election, the Democrats and the Republicans, stupid!

“Thank you for your time, Mr. Clemens. Please wait in the Grotto, er, waiting room and we’ll be right with you.”

All because they love George Mitchell, the real truth is too much to bear, and it’s just common practice to eat your own. Sorry Roger! Oh, and a biiiiiig apology to you Mr. McNamee. Your wrongs are things we tolerate these days, but those evil steroids! We just can’t have that! Quite frankly, Henry Waxman looks like he could benefit from a little HGH…and a nose hair trim. But we’re not here to talk grooming, we’re here to talk sports! And, as many of you already know, our only outstanding questions regarding the steroid issue are: since when do you go through the dealer to get to the user and why are the players getting the full frontal assault instead of laying the blame at the feet of the entire organization? The BALCO trial will prove to tell the tale. And the purveyor of truth, Jose Canseco, will be laughing all the way to the bank as he inks a new book deal. Title??? ‘I Told You So!’

In sport, there is excess spending (Chris Webber’s salary? A stadium hot dog??) and there is money well spent (the deal the Pats got on Randy Moss), and sometimes it’s unclear what’s what. The Girls hope that Salma Hayek gets more than a one hour soccer lesson for a whopping 350k from Sir David Beckham. He’s good and all, but just think of the mad trips one could take for that coin!! At the very least, and we do mean very least, he could give her a foot rub. She’s a new Mom, she could probably use it.

And do check out the award-winning punking of Kyle Kendrick of the Philadelphia Phillies. Talk about attention to detail! Some fans probably wish Pat Gillick would spend that much time trying to land an ace or a sure thing for the bullpen, but maybe well-planned humor will be enough for the Baseball Gods to shine upon the Phillies in light of Carlos Beltran’s bold guarantee of the East being theirs to lose. Didn’t they do that last year???

Did you notice the pictures of Tony Romo gracing the pages of such well-respected mags as US, STAR and People? He was being such a sweet fellow carrying Jess’ little doggie-poo. We think it was all a ploy to prove his hands really aren’t that small. But that’s just us. Needless to say, Parcels was right - nobody needs a celebrity quarterback. Look at what happened to Tom Brady after shaking entertainment reporter Pat O’Brien’s hand before leaving the field after the pre-game warm-up for the Super Bowl. (Must have done a number on Pat too - he’s back in rehab.)

The Daytona 500 and all that led to it scored high in the Fantoo ratings. The races were exciting, the Car of Tomorrow (or CoT, for those who need the acronym) is shaping up to be all that NASCAR promised…almost, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. winning the Bud Shoot-out was the finest form of racing irony. Get ready to go green, America!

We also got all warm inside to see that the hard work Michael Waltrip Racing has done is paying off. So the tiffs between the hot heads are alive and well, the old school is looking competitive and Penske brings home the trophy…finally! All in all, a very HOT kick-off to the season.

Speaking of hot, how about the NBA sticking it to the Harris Poll that ranks them behind the NHL by holding a five star All-Star Weekend, doing tremendous good for the people of New Orleans, and getting us all pumped for the balance of the season by ushering in much drama out West? Get ready to stay up late if you live in the East, because you don’t want to miss the drama of Kobe v. Shaq, Jason Kidd lighting up in Dallas, and what is destined to be a battle for the ages come playoff time. Kobe may be VERY happy he didn’t, like, totally break up with the Lakers. The East? Don’t be sad. The Celtics, the Pistons and the Magic will keep you entertained. The Cavs will hang in there as long as LeBron’s head doesn’t explode. And the Knicks provide the guilty pleasure.

The NBA is not tanking. It’s on the road to recovery. Now if they could only adopt relegation. Then it would be smokin’ hot.

This week’s Fan-Tutor explains why goalies in the NHL aren’t subject to the fashion police, and we ponder what it must have been like to be Richard Zednick. But then we start getting queasy so we stop. In this week’s IT HAS TO BE SAID we urge you to use great caution around eggs.

So get your gavel and powdered wig, your sponsor’s product and cuddle up…it’s time to talk sports with The Girls!

This entry was posted on Thursday, February 21st, 2008 at 8:33 am and is filed under Fantoo Blog Home. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.