Episode 207


Lost Leaders, Quirky Canada and Sociopathic Rule Changes with The Girls!

Today The Girls are coming to you live from The Leadership Institute, where the halls are quiet…Bud Selig, David Stern, Gary Bettman and Roger Goodell must not have paid their tuition on time. We can understand how it might be hard to run, say, a multi-national pharmaceutical company or an under-funded inner-city high school, but a sporting league? The only thing hard about that is building consensus, being decisive and using common sense. Oh, now we get it…

One league is on pace to lose 400 million dollars this year, another will be dodging federal investigators until the end of days, one thinks it’s Starbucks, and the other prefers rules that are so confusing and circular that, when changed, they end up right back where they started. Thank Lombardi we have the combine.

Okay, it’s a stretch, but it’s a start. And looking for a fresh start at the combine was one super-focused Myron Rolle. He of Oxford fame. And we don’t mean Mississippi. The safety out of Florida State has really created quite a concern among the scouts. Why, how ever will he focus? He doesn’t know WHAT he wants to be…scholar, professional football player, neurosurgeon, keeper of the free world! We say take him and then set him free on the rule book to make it all make sense.

Unlike the proposed overtime rule…to be used only in the playoffs. This is reason #148 why we firmly believe contracts and rules are created after substantial drinking. We’ve even added a new liquor to the list of those that catering must have on hand for these type of events. You’ll have to listen in to this week’s sports podcast to find out what it is.

Hell hath no fury like a women scorned or John Daly pissed. As in mad. Need proof? Check the cell phone bill of the journalist who made really public the list of Daly’s PGA infractions. In our opinion he is now more mysterious, more endearing and even higher up on our list of guys we want to have a beer with. But we recognize that’s just us.

The Olympics closed in grand fashion, and our coverage of it is equally as grand. From William Shatner to the mime to the…oh, please…just scrap the Opening and closing ceremonies and give us a simple athlete parade. Seriously, Greece is bankrupt. Isn’t that a sign? Why not cut costs and give them the leftover cash? We plead with Russia and England to break the mold, lose the producer and see how much you can pull off for 1 million euros and some arts and crafts. But be sure you take care of those pesky curses!

We wrap up with a trip to Spring Training where we blow $400,000, visit our Rookie Look before he gets sent to the minors…for further training…, and barely graze the NBA. It deserves nothing more at this juncture.

But what does deserve our attention is this week’s IT HAS TO BE SAID: MENSA must be squeaky clean. So grab your IQ, your 40-yard dash and your dancing partner…it’s time to talk sports with The Girls!

Carol and I are extremely busy signing up to be in the Olympic Bobsled team. We are hoping to get our application in before the big Northeast snow today so we can start practicing in parking lots and on nearby hills in my son’s go-kart. I mean, if this guy can do it, we have to believe we can. This is actually a bobsled primer (mainly for me and Carol and our 2 recruits for the sled. but look close and you’ll see our man’s (Steve Holcomb) raw power and tonnage in the beginning of the video - there is even some slo-mo. (For a better picture of the team, go here)

Yes, we know he has great burst off the line and a ton of power to steer that beast, but really, does he have to wear the suit?

Episode 206

Changing Lanes, Sore Losers and Put A Skirt On It with The Girls!

Today The Girls are coming to you live from deep within the truly deeply, sorry (awful) apology by Tiger Wood’s agent. It is here that we vow to never discuss this aimless tabloid story until Tiger Woods hits the links again and we discuss his game - if he still has one.

So we high-tail it out of there to greener pastures. Very green. Vancouver has delivered on the “story lines”, not so much on the coverage or the weather. While the need to air commercials is evident, there is also a need to give props to the events that make history. And USA versus Canada in men’s hockey was the stuff of legends. Also legendary was the footage of the US men’s bobsled team. Chris Farley is wondering who the wannabe is but the Girls also deliver - it’s Steve Holcomb - see above. And we definitely want to have a beer with this guy. Mainly because we know he wouldn’t cut malt beverages out of his carb-loading regime.

And you’re still up in arms about Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake? We’re checking into image erasure treatments to rid ourselves of the sight that only lycra on a large man can leave seared on our brains.

This and That takes us from the USC campus where the NCAA had them in lockdown to the elaborate workouts of the boys of summer. But nothing stops us in our tracks like Terrell Owens on the catwalk. Me. Ow. We bid a fond farewell to LaDanian Tomlinson and Brian Westbrook - two running backs who have entertained us Sunday in and Sunday out for many years. Go make a difference in the world and keep your noggins safe.

Oh, Tony. We feel your pain. We don’t much like red go-go boots either, but sometimes a girl needs to feel like a (dirrrrty) girl. We’re pretty sure Hannah Storm has some dirt on someone or was totally offended by the age comment. Both would get you in trouble. If it makes you feel any better, some people would kill for two weeks off. Heck, we’d make fun of Hannah if it got us two weeks vaca.

After our twirl around the world we set up shop in Vancouver to take you through what might be happening in the Olympic village. Scotty Lago is thinking about it right now…at home. Just think about all that downtime. And all that testosterone. And all that platinum.

Wha? No platinum? Somebody better tell Evgeni Plushenko. He thinks he won it, and we don’t buy his “somebody hacked my site” excuse. Seriously. Does he really think it’s plausible that some super-fan risked jail to hack his site? Not with hair like that, we don’t. The hockey has thrilled, the blue lines have left many distraught, and the downhill events have proven yet again why we here at Fantoo don’t attempt any of those sports. We’d be too terrified. We will however be available to coach speed skating cuz you can rest assured we’d just say, “Go! Faster! Doing great!”

Sven Kramer’s unfortunate experience with his coach has left us bummed. Truly. The guy deserved to win. And Joannie Rochette deserves to win the People’s Medal. To skate 2 days after suddenly losing your mom proves to us just how dedicated to their sport (in a wholly positive way) Olympic athletes are. And that is what separates them from many professional athletes who love the lifestyle more than the game. Finally, in this week’s IT HAS TO BE SAID, we have found that we can live forever. And we plan to. So grab your rice cakes, your torch and a pinned and young athlete to cuddle up to…it’s time to talk sports with The Girls!

Can we all just agree that Shaun White is the most exciting Olympic athlete of the games? His final run - which he didn’t have to do because he ALREADY WON the half pipe competition - was insane. It totally made the wait (aka, pricking open my eyes with toothpicks through Bob Costas and ten million commercials) worthwhile.

We’ll get a better video of this in the coming days, but suffice it to say that you need to see his second run. (Please don’t blame us if it doesn’t load - NBC site yanked all the YouTube footage off and the only place to see it is on nbcolympics.com). But if you are thirsting for more Shaun White video right now (which we’re sure you are), check out the 11-year-old Shaun taking to the slopes - do you think his parents knew he had talent??:

Episode 205

Corrupt Judges, Sequin Overload, and Glitches Galore with The Girls!

Today The Girls are coming to you live from inside the perfectly appointed foyer of Tanith Belbin and Johnny Weir’s lair in Vancouver. Decorated in the colors of Spring, cuz that’s what you do when it’s raining and the indoor ice is melting, and perfumed to cover up smells that had to linger (cue The Cranberries), it’s a pad fit for Olympians with flair. And isn’t it funny, after the build-up over his fabulous flamboyance-ness, Johnny skated one of the more masculine programs of the evening?

We’re still seeing glittery dots in front of our eyes from the hyper-use of all things sparkly…and we’re still seeing red due to the outrageous way the IOC handled the tragic death of Nodar Kumaritashvili on the luge track. Please, put the lawyers in a room until 72 hours have passed. You may not look like such cold-hearted nimrods in the end. And anyway, you’ll still be sued no matter what your press release says. With all the glitches, delays, broken buses, melting ice, and bad venue management, we feel it’s important to say that the people of Canada rock.

And we take back our criticism of curling and will never call you our favorite national forest again. We do have some suggestions for future host cities though. Scale down the Opening Ceremony to an athlete parade capped by the lighting of the torch. Period. This is what happens when you overdo it:

This isn’t about dancing children or trapeze artists or mini concerts…it’s about the contests. Funnel the cash saved back into the events so that they can actual happen. If we need pomp and circumstance we’ll re-watch Beijing. Oh and it might be a good idea not to give the WINTER GAMES to a host city as warm as Vancouver - which is the warmest city to ever host the winter games. In the face of global warming no less! Was this decision made on the back of investing in sub-prime mortgages or something?

Our Fan-Tutor this week comes with a hidden dig at The Girls, but we handle it with grace. (Tiana, we’re coming to TP your house.) But you’ll appreciate the added knowledge on speed skating, one of the events that has delivered this year. Lindsey Vonn was EVERY WHERE, leaving a trail of cheese in her wake. She needed to deliver - and did!

Also in this week’s riotous sports podcast we promise to not idolize Johnny Weir publicly anymore, (But since we record in a private, albeit elaborate, recording studio, we smell loop hole.), we celebrate Jamie McMurray and the rebirth of NASCAR, and we dig a grave for the NBA. They may never take up residence, but perhaps its very existence is enough of a threat to clean up their house of cards.

We appreciate that some NBA players are the most athletic in all of sports and that many are gifted contortionists who make us say, Wha? when they hover, spin, and score. But they also “forget” to play defense, ignore the rules, only play hard in the last quarter of the game and season, and want obscene amounts of cash in guaranteed contracts. And then there’s the Global Icon status without winning a championship.

So when we hear that the league is on pace to lose 400 million dollars this year (factor in some posturing by David Stern) we feel like disgorging. Not just our lunch but the whole sport. Ping pong anyone? So grab your CBA, your torch (and take it to all your sequins), and a stone…it’s time to talk sports with The Girls!

As promised, here’s a little Aretha for you:

As The Girls dig out from yet another obscene snow storm, Vancouver wonders when its snow will arrive, the NBA wonders if it will rain to much in Dallas this weekend, and the Cleveland Cavaliers wonder how quickly we’ll forget their lame attempt to make more cash. Answer key: not soon enough, too much and never.

Our apologies for the delay - we won’t keep you another minute. Here’s your ear candy:

Episode 204

Bourbon Street Parties, Danica Patrick Hangs and Canada Wants Gold with The Girls!

(Patrick Semansky / Associated Press)

Today The Girls are coming to you live from…Bourbon Street, where they are still partying and will be till every King Cake is eaten, every bead worn and every Saint saluted. As thousands gathered to honor the ballsy victory of Sean Payton and the Saints, eleven loyal Colts fans lined up behind barricade to welcome home those who took no chances and came home with no trophy. We have to agree with Sean Payton; with hindsight it’s clear that the MVP of the league is Drew Brees. The most valuable player is someone that does more than execute, he elevates those around him and Drew Brees did just that. A very young and brazen team left Miami and dove into the arms of a city that couldn’t have done it with out them. And vice-versa. The Girls thank the New Orleans Saints for making this a special Super Bowl.

thanks to Handsome Devil Press for this future USC QB’s picture

And now we head into unchartered territory as Lane Kiffin prepares to offer a USC football scholarship to a zygote. The problem is the zygote wants to see the hostesses first, and he’s totally not putting pen to paper without a house in Malibu for the summer. Or was that his Mom talking. Who cares. Lane Kiffin is gross. And he makes the USC football program gross, too. As parents, he could offer our children a scholarship, a 4.0 and an Oscar and we would still be nailing up the barricades at our front door.

It’s safe to say that in her first race out Danica Patrick and JR Motorsports impressed the headlights out of the boys at ARCA and are now planning on doing much the same in the upcoming Nationwide race at Daytona. NASCAR needs a shot in the arm and is willing to dial back the clock a bit, bringing in the bump and grind and the chicks! Clean racing may be on the wane and victory will go to the one who is willing to risk the most. Sound familiar?

The Olympics always raises the bar on risk-taking, except when it comes to figure skating. When an athlete knows that the big stage comes around only once every four years they don’t throw caution to the wind, they don’t even pack caution. (Maybe Lindsay Jacobellis packed just a tad to be used only when the gold is in the bag.) Our Fan-Tutor takes you downhill as we attempt (emphasis on attempt) to distinguish the differences between the many skiing events we are about to witness. If it snows, that is.

Also in this week’s sports podcast we get psyched for Olympic hockey for many reasons. It may be the last time we see NHL players participate, Canada would give away oil to get gold, and there’s a chance we’ll see Sidney Crosby and Alexander Ovechkin meet up on NHL regulation ice for the biggest prize next to Lord Stanley. Bragging rights are at stake here, and in the sport of hockey bragging rights mean more than cash. Refreshing, huh?

The NBA does not disappoint this week as it heads into a so-not-appropriate Valentine’s Day Weekend All-Star game. The kind of lovin’ that happens at the All-Star weekend is pretty much very anti-Valentine. It’s also not nice to take away water fountains no matter how you couch it. The Cleveland Cavaliers have since agreed. And the negative turn that the CBA talks took this past week? Chalk it up to David Stern getting his yayas. Did the player’s association really think he would just extend that ridiculous contract? Child please.

So grab your fleur-de-lis, a shovel and anything but Aquafina…it’s time to talk sports with The Girls!

We are mere days away from the Vancouver Olympics, the start of Spring Training, and the beginning of the NBA season. Wha? You mean it started already fo’ real? Child please. But first there’s the Super Bowl. This game may break the record for most points scored, bumping off Super Bowl XXIX which had the San Francisco 49ers beating the San Diego Chargers 49-26on January 29, 1995. Our wish? No blowout, and no sideline proposal from Reggie Bush to Kim Kardashian. Can we please just have a great game with no concussions and, oh, a streaker for fun?

Girls can dream…and you can listen to this week’s podcast:

Episode 203

NCAA MADness, Crashed Ice and Who Dat?! with The Girls!

Today The Girls are coming to you live from the set of the new game show taking the country by storm…”Now, Why Are They Doin’ That?” First topic - the expansion of the NCAA basketball tournament from 65 to 96 teams. We all know the answer is cash, so the real fun in this game show is to spot the spin. We’re doing it for the kids. We’re doing it for the fans. We’re doing it for the athletes…ooops…student/athletes. What they’re actually doing is watering down a thrilling and super fun tournament that all consider to be as perfect as can be. The real question is, Who is going to play the NIT (that would be the ‘Not Interesting Tournament’)? Us?

Heck no, we’re saving ourselves for the Crashed Ice competition in Quebec City. Robin could excel at this sport, however Carol would most certainly perish, so she’ll be carrying a flask near the finish line to cheer on her buddy. Here’s a sneak peek courtesy of Red Bull:

We also go a little retro with a look at Bandy, the precursor to hockey. Why these visits to sports that push the participants to their limits in harsh conditions, all for glory and maybe a little coin? That’s what you do to re-balance your fanliness after you’ve subjected yourself to the NFL Pro Bowl. What a cuddly little fluffy lost kitten kind of football game. But people tuned in, so Roger Goodell is on to something: we want our NFL season to end when the Super Bowl is finished. We stand up, dust off the crumbs of nachos and wings and get ready for Spring Training. Now if we could just get him to eliminate the actual game and throw a big fat par-tay…

Until that happens we will ponder the media’s thoughts on the ‘new media’, create conspiracy theories around Dwight Freeney’s ankle, lament the death of the phrase, “Defense Wins Championships”, and try (seriously, we broke a sweat) to come up with reasons to root for the Colts to win. We did find one on particular:

Not that we don’t respect - hugely - their game, their class, their style, the comedic excellence of Peyton Manning, and the entrepreneurial genius of Jeff Saturday, it’s just that the underdog (complete with tragedy, determination, achieving against all odds, and a slight stature) is so compelling. And an underdog victory so uplifting! And well…this happened in New Orleans, at the Superdome, to the Saints and the City.

Couldn’t we all use a little Yay! this time of year? Especially in light of the NFL’s outrageous reaction to the use of ‘Who Dat?’, a colloquialism in use before the NFL was anything other than three letters from the English alphabet. Cease and Desist letters? Really? Somebody’s been watching too much Rambo.

We squeeze in a little hockey Fan-Tutor for those of you who are wondering just what those refs are up to, and spank Nike for being a wee bit too jacked up for our consumer tastes. Then we tie it all up with an IT HAS TO BE SAID, cuz it does. So grab your emergency brake, a bandy ball and some confetti…it’s time to talk sports with The Girls!