Don’t be shocked when you hear the gruff voice opposite Carol in this week’s recording. No, Robin is not suffering from a throat infection, or smoking Pall Malls. Quite the opposite - she’s in Lobsterland drinking in the last few days of Summer (along with quite a bit of wine). But because the world of sport is bursting at the seams while Robin takes restorative action, we decided to let an honorary host into the inner sanctum otherwise known as our studio.

Before we leave you with this masterpiece, we want to remind you that The Girls will be present and accounted for at Studio 4 for their SIRIUS satellite radio show this Monday, Labor Day. Happy end of summer to you all and bring on the FOOTBALL!

Episode 130

Today The Girls, one half played by Ron, the infamous mythical husband of Carol, are coming to you live from California Cryobank, where to-be parents are hand picking athletic sperm to create the next Tom Brady. Yea, cuz that works. Once the child is shoved head first into a helmet the rebellion occurs and he or she will instead become a ping pong player. Or swim dancer. Or worse - a curler. Be careful what you wish, pay and push for. Just ask the parents of Jericho Scott, the nine year old pitching phenom who was just too darn fast and accurate. He and his team have been banished from their New Haven, Connecticut little league division. Parents of the kids on other teams thought Jericho was taking the fun out of sports. We assume they didn’t go to the Cryobank, and instead are crying tears because their little Junior isn’t up to snuff. To which we say, Parents - GET OVER YOURSELVES! Your kids just want to have fun. And you are simply too freaking involved.

They ought to just take a look at the USC football team to see what happens to star athletes. There’s an itch that demands to be scratched in sunny SoCal, and we think it must have something to do with Britney Spears, not the new compression shorts they are blaming.

Perhaps Matt Leinart can suggest a soothing emulsion. While some may say we have been a bit premature in announcing that he’s not the starting quarterback for the Arizona Cardinals, we say we are Nostradamus. Sometimes we get a little Dutch Daulton on the Fantoo Girls sports podcast. Sue us. Or congratulate us when it all comes true.

Mini-me? We’re not so sure about that one, Prince Fielder. Perhaps if you were in fact THE Prince you could make that claim when standing next to CC Sabathia, but you look about 250 and Mr. Cuddly is at least 290. We call that twins.

Whatever the moniker, it matters not when you are playing lights out baseball. Keep it up, and keep up the cans of mac & cheese because it seems to suit you. The Girls say it’s CC all the way for the Cy Young award, again. Changing leagues and upping the ante to a sweet 1.59 ERA is enough for us. Maybe they’ll give you a sash and you can turn it into a sail for that new boat you can buy in the off-season.

Oh, Babe. Our hearts break as you crack a cold one in your grave. You, of all people, would understand the heartbreak that is the final season at Yankee Stadium. But you wouldn’t understand how they could have tanked and the Rays (manna, gamma, Ray-bans…your guess is as good as ours) sit atop the pile. Trust us, network executives share your bewilderment. The Girls? We loves us some Rays. So here’s to the return of Evan Longoria and the continued success of a team whose owners really and truly get it. Anyone who drinks Prisoner and puts a winner on the field for less than the cost of a stealth bomber is royalty in our book.

Lo and behold…instant replay hits the diamond. Kidding aside, we salute Bud Selig for taking a stand and making it happen. He’s playing this one perfectly. We shiver at the thought of the Fantoo Girls becoming Bud Selig groupies, but it just might happen. First thing we would do if we hung with the Commish? Take him to Barney’s for a little wardrobe update. Then we’d go to the zoo, run through fountains and play backgammon in Central Park with a picnic complete with some Prisoner. Girls can dream.

There’s nothing we love more than a man who is decisive. Congrats to Michael Strahan for realizing he’s just not that into it anymore. We feel for the Giants defense, and especially for defensive coordinator Steve Spagnuola who has his work cut out for him with Osi Umenyiora sidelined for the season. The Giants defensive made many fans’ dreams come true last year, but they couldn’t grant our wish - abolishing preseason games to prevent injury when nothing is on the line. Darn.

And before we close this week’s podcast, we travel down Beijing’s memory lane. More on the Olympics when Robin returns from her New England vacation. She says she is fishing and water skiing, but we all know she is ‘huddling’ with Belichick. We overheard her mumbling something about getting Larry Mendte to help her hack into the Jets cute little Huddle system. We could be wrong, but we could be right. And, yes, we may be crazy.

Finally, in this week’s IT HAS TO BE SAID we get you all jazzed about London. Boris Johnson is our new crush. This man is priceless. In one short YouTube clip he has captured our hearts.

So grab a Boddington’s, a poorly fitted suit and some whiff whaff…it’s time to talk sports with The Girls!

Welcome back Fantoo Girls podcast lovers! Robin flew in for a special vacation recording of the podcast before going back to Maine to terrorize more blueberry bushes. She’s unstoppable. It was so good to have The Girls back together again before the close of summer and the start of the Fall Smash-up that is sports. An early addition of our podcast is here for you to devour. Manners, please. and while you’re at it, just ponder how Olympic athletes can whip through 100,000 condoms…oh, to be young…

Episode 129

Swim Dancing, Shuttlecocks, and Manphibian with The Girls!

Today The Girls are coming to you live from the aqua-lair that is home to Manphibian! Part man, part phibian, part precious metal, and gold medal parter-of-water, Michael Phelps is Manphibian. Phelps gets gold eight times over and turns a whole country back onto swimming.

But will it carry over to the 48 months between now and London 2012? If David Beckham is any indication, we thinks not. Perhaps if Phelps gets hooked up with Madonna somehow he can carry it off, but barring that we will all simply look forward to London. The Girls take a lap for you Michael. You rock.

Still kickin’ it in Beijing, we marvel at the speed of Usain Bolt, who finally ran out a race and took home gold for the 200m. We need gold shoes like that, pronto. Rafael Nadal takes gold and then busts it on out of there to race to NYC to meet The Girls. Bring on the Open! He’s so thoughtful. All in all, the Olympics have been thrilling, enlightening even.

Where can you watch badminton cheerleaders? The wave performed like it was for the very first time? All manner of fakery and forgery? Why, Beijing, of course. Which leads us to women’s gymnastics. We don’t know what’s worse, cheating or absurd scoring. Both have ruined the sport. We don’t want to see children perform, no matter how graceful, and if the scoring confounds even MIT nerds than it’s time to get real, on all accounts. It’s beyond wrong to make He Kexin part of an age cover-up so that the host country can increase its chances of winning a medal. Encouraging a child to lie to the world? Criminal. Creating an absurd scoring system that applies no logic whatsoever? Criminal too, when you consider the amount of time, energy, sweat, tears, and coin these girls devote to the sport. Figure it out or count us out.

And so we return to the diamond, where human touch matters and the scoring is easy. We didn’t know the Flobee was still in existence, but apparently Manny Ramirez tucked one away and pulled it out at the request of Joe Torre. The man’s haircut blows, but his performance is heavenly. With the Dodgers and the D’backs trading places, but finally over .500, we await the outburst form the Rockies. You know it’s coming. But it will be too late this year. Have you taken in any of CC Sabathia since his trade to the Brewers? If not, you’re missing out on some action. He can hit, he can run if need be, and best of all, he gives good complete game. 8-0 since his arrival, CC, last year’s AL Cy Young award winner, is setting himself up quite well for free agency. Love it when a plan comes together. Now if he can just get the Brewers to the post-season.

On the gridiron, this week’s Fantoo sports podcast takes a look at the bling the Patriots have ordered up to commemorate their complete and total meltdown last season. Which preceded their complete and total meltdown against Tampa Bay. You ever get the feeling something is a breath away from falling apart??? Just when we’re trying to warm ourselves up to the outrageous cost of attending an NFL football game, Roger Goodell unloads a real whopper on fans across the country: The NFL Fan Conduct Policy. It’s a real treat. Let’s put it this way: If you want to be sure of not getting banned from attending a game you will not boo, yell at opposing fans, get up to use the bathroom, carry a large ‘D’ and a large picket fence, be the 12th man, have one too many beers, or wear a tight fitting shirt if you are of the Pamela Andersen variety. Sounds like fun, doesn’t it? Goodell just single-handedly made the Man-cave a top priority for every football loving person, man or not.

And in this week’s IT HAS TO BE SAID, The Girls bow to Mother Nature and mock those who don’t. So grab your wind meter, leave behind your puffy finger, and dream of Olympic gold on the court…it’s time to talk sports with The Girls!

That is the question I ponder as The Girls take a little hiatus to drink in the Olympics, tolerate pre-season football, and cheer on the Boys of Summer as they turn for home. But if they should round third and promptly fall flat on their faces because base running is just too complicated, we will boo. As we should.

And now we have Jimmy Rollins of the Philadelphia Phillies, telling us that we shouldn’t boo athletes when their performance is poor, we should encourage them. That’s our job apparently. I never read the fine print on the back of my ticket. Shame on me. Here he is on the Best Damn Sports Show talking about the Philly fans…

Ouch.

Perhaps he could have been more clear and said, “They boo me because I don’t run out fly balls, I’m a shadow of my 2007 self, and I got lost going to Shea Stadium. And they’ll boo my teammates when they aren’t playing well. But when we succeed they cheer louder than any fans in the country.”

Don’t these guys have a filter? And given that he isn’t playing Little League and paying for the right, shouldn’t he be able to encourage himself?

Looks like he already has a phone-a-friend...

Front runners are people who don’t follow a team - or sport for that matter - but show up when the air sniffs of playoffs and the team is pulling away with the division lead. They laugh, they drink, they talk on their cell phones and they have to be reminded when and how to cheer.

Um, J-Roll, based on this criteria you are the front runner. Philadelphia is a city comprised of fans who don’t take short cuts and certainly don’t get lost on the way to the stadium, even if it is Shea.

On the gridiron, straight from the Commish himself, Roger Goodell, we are given another dose of constructive suggestions, I mean laws, as to how we should behave when attending NFL games. Should you resemble any of the behavior below you will lose your right to remain in the presence of high-priced concessions and high-priced athletes, high-priced seat license or not. (Drum roll…)

* Behavior that is unruly, disruptive, or illegal in nature
* Intoxication or other signs of alcohol impairment that results in irresponsible behavior
* Foul or abusive language or obscene gestures
* Interference with the progress of the game (including throwing objects onto the field)
* Failing to follow instructions of stadium personnel
* Verbal or physical harassment of opposing team fans

Me thinks there will be many empty seats at stadiums across the country if these rules are enforced. Sue me, but I’m starting to feel less valued as a fan. I’d rather Goodell’s rules of engagement went something like this:

* If team starts off 0-3 inanimate objects may be thrown onto the field of play during one of the many lengthy television time outs.
* If a team is accused of cheating all post-road game press conferences will be attended by home team fans first, then the media. Line forms at the locker room.
* When players get suspended for rules violations each season ticket holder gets a free beer for each game player is ineligible.
* If a team charges fans for personal seat licenses to raise money to construct a stadium that is too expensive to be financed by their own means, owners must share 5% of the revenues with PSL owners beginning in year 5 of the license. Free beer too. And maybe a home theater system.
* If a team that has charged for PSLs has a losing season three years in a row ownership must refund the cost of the PSL to the owner. And stand in the corner during home games. Again, inanimate objects may be thrown.

We look forward to pleasing you, our loyal fans, during the upcoming season.

Sincerely, your public servant,
Roger Goodell

Isn’t that much more appropriate?

So, my decision? If I can’t boo as creatively and passionately as this I’ll just stew in silence:

The Girls return from vacation with a riotous Monday show on SIRIUS Sports Central, Channel 123 from 1-3PM EST, but you can satisfy the itch tomorrow when last week’s show is replayed for your Sunday morning pleasure. Channel 122 from 11-1PM EST. Back with a freshy podcast next Thursday.

Maybe earlier, if you encourage us.

Mmmm...tasty...

Whilst Robin takes Maine by storm, diving for her own lobsters and picking blueberries by the light of the silvery moon, I bravely hold it all together during a sports collision like no other. Every game on the diamond for those in the hunt is like a playoff game, football is so close I can smell the leather, and the Olympics, well, let’s just say they are the most compelling and complex in decades. If it turned out that the 2008 Olympics were finely crafted movie shorts directed by the likes of Quentin Tarantino, Woody Allen and Martin Scorcese I would be not surprised.

Hollywood loves to take a simple premise and wring it out till it no longer seems simple, but instead, disturbing. The white picket fence leads you inside a well-kept home with dinner simmering on the stove, the dog, bandana tied around his neck, curls up on his very own bed, and the children, all 2.5 of them, sit quietly at the kitchen table doing their homework. Mom and Dad are probably reliving the night he proposed as they sneak some romantic moments in front of a crackling fire, undisturbed.

Except the fence has termites, the dog has lymes disease, the kids aren’t virgins anymore and both Mom and Dad are having extramarital affairs.

Cut to Beijing and the story isn’t much different. Just ask Yang Peiyi, whose breathtaking voice entertained us during the opening ceremonies with a performance of “Ode to the Motherland”, but whose face was deemed not pretty enough to entertain us visually. The New York Times reports that, “under pressure from the highest levels of the ruling Communist Party to find the perfect face and voice, the ceremony’s production team concluded the only solution was to use two girls instead of one.” Apparently, Lin Miaoke was prettier. And that ruled above talent. Because appearances are more important than the truth.

This is not a trend in China alone, but the world over. Except with such a spotlight shone so brightly on a country so unwilling to admit its faults, China’s obsession with appearance versus truth smacks you in your face, whether it’s pretty or not. And it stings. In China it is not just about a pretty girl on the cover of a magazine or a computer-generated screen shot of fireworks for the television cameras, it’s about creating a facade for the world that covers all the ills, beyond the scope of the Olympics. You can paint the moldy wall, but the mold doesn’t go away - it just becomes more toxic.

We are fortunate to be able to celebrate the Olympics, to gather from all points on the globe to honor sports in all its forms with a global competition that allows athletes who have worked so hard to be lauded for their achievements and to have their near miraculous feats viewed by upwards of a billion people. That, in and of itself, is an achievement of which we should all be proud.

Olympians are chosen for their ability to perform their sport at the highest level, far exceeding the performances of all others who have tried to forge a path to the storied Games. The spirit of the Games is that in a nut shell: you are the best at what you do so come to the global stage and perform for the world.

Except for Yang Peiyi. Yes, she was the best to sing “Ode to the Motherland”, but she wasn’t pretty enough to be on camera. I beg to disagree. Actually, I don’t beg at all. I simply think the ruling party in China has their heads firmly planted up their derrieres.

Yang is a beautiful 7 year old girl with perfect little bangs, an adorable smile, and wisdom radiating from her eyes, which is why I am not surprised that she still smiles. Perhaps she does not know exactly what went down when she was used for her talent but pushed aside because her face did not meet the standards of beauty as designated by a ‘ruling party’. (Where is Tyra Banks when you need her?) But one day this girl will do something to alter the landscape of our judgmental society. To me, her work has already begun.

Yang Peiyi (L), Lin Miaoke (R)

So, here we have one child who has learned that her talent will never be enough, and another who has learned that one need have no talent if one is beautiful. How tragic. How utterly tragic.

Simply stated, focusing on appearances is a complete waste of time because what lurks beneath will always emerge. It is also destructive, leads to dishonesty and prevents progress.

Wouldn’t it have been less complicated to have selected the girl who sang the best given that the focus of the performance was singing? Wouldn’t life have been less complicated and tragic for Tang Yongming, the man responsible for killing Todd Bachman and seriously injuring Todd’s wife, Barbara, before plunging to his own death from the Drumm Tower, if he was raised in a land where trust and truth rise above appearances? Wouldn’t we all celebrate China’s gold medal in women’s gymnastics if it weren’t completely clear to you, me and basically every living creature with sight that He Kexin is not, by any stretch of the imagination, 16 years old?

Words of wisdom from my mother: Life is not complicated until you complicate it.

China must have never met my mother.

It’ been a while since the contest occurred to name the bull that Robin calved in the dark of night, in the cold driving rain. We thought we would give you an update and some footage to see the real McCoy. Enjoy.

Remember to check out the girls Sunday for last Monday’s replay on Sirius Channel 122 11am-1pm. And we’ll be back in Studio 4 Monday for 2 hours of madness, Sirius Channel 123 1-3pm.

In the meantime, here’s another link to this week’s podcast for your consumption.
Episode 128

Enjoy the opening ceremonies of the Olympics. We are sure it will be breathtaking in every way.