#1) The biggest event, the freaking APEX of the sport, has no instant replay. Therefore goals that shouldn’t count do count…over and over.
The gem below is shot from a Brazilian ‘gooooooaaaaal’ in the Mexico-Brazil match (yes, that is Brazil in blue and white, a mile behind the nearest Mexican defender):
#2) The games run on endlessly and then there is running time for injuries. Why not just stop the clock? At the end of the game, one never knows if it it really over because the injury time clock is about as easy to decipher as the square root of pi.
And there is always an injury clock because #3) soccer players are a bunch of drama queens waiting for their golden moment to swoon and fake. This cloying group activity negates all the manliness that soccer should garner and inspires lampoons like this one:
Soccer Officially Announces It Is Gay
Seriously, these dudes run for 90 minutes at top speed over acres of land - and then they run some more. Show some stones!
The sport is about as crazy as Diego Maradona. This is not a compliment.
Last night was one for the ages. Robin was down at the Wachovia Center in Philadelphia assisting the Flyers to a 4-1 Series victory over the hated Canadiens.
There was the closing bell:
Then the Handshake Line:
The Prince of Wales presentation:
And the singing of about 19,000 happy fans as they prepare for the first Stanley Cup Finals in 13 years:
Oh so now he admits it!! Just when we go on sabbatical, one of our favorite people when it comes to drug suspicion comes clean. “Yes, sniff sniff, I did take the banned drugs. I DID - and so DID LANCE ARMSTRONG!!”
But you know what? Who cares about Landis and his sniveling ways? If Armstrong is guilty he will get busted sooner or later. And then? And then cycling will retreat into further obscurity.
But this is not a time to dwell on cheaters, it’s time for one last podcast before we go on a long-awaited sabbatical!
Episode 217
Lessons Learned, French Riots and Fantoo Fans to Thank with The Girls!
Today The Girls are coming to you live from…what we’ve learned. And it’s aplenty, but it can be distilled down to two key things: judging talent is a lost art and devotion to the game has become secondary to devotion to the coin.
As we prepare for our sabbatical (rare game option narrowed down to ostrich or bonobo, PhD narrowed down to idiocy or wine-making) we take on the world of sport one last time. Let’s just say no one is safe, not even Hank Haney.
The NBA draft doesn’t disappoint with Lady Luck trumping algorithms all the way. Oh, and then there’s LeBron’s mom (”G-L-O-R-I-A”). Game 5 takes on a whole new meaning now. You best put your lunch aside when we tackle this in the “Fantoo Girls Grand Finale…For Now” podcast. Even for us this story crosses into a whole new territory. Men, walk away. Especially if it’s LeBron’s mom.
For old times’ sake we toss in a nugget about PEDs, a teeny tiny pot story, and ponder that age old question: Why do men need to get naked for the public for free? Take the Chicago Blackhawks for instance. One day it’s naked shirtless in a limo with some chicks and the next day you’re naked all over the web.
But the real question is, Will they take on our beloved Flyers for Lord Stanley’s Cup? Second question: Can you recall a time in recent history where the NHL playoffs overshadowed the NBA playoffs? That day is now.
A 7-seed has home ice? The average age of the Blackhawks is what? San Jose finally one a series? The greatest comeback in playoff history? If the NHL can’t capitalize on this then they need to look up the word capitalize. As we’ve said for two years in a row, the NHL has the opportunity to take the #3 spot in the US in pro sports. It’s just sitting there like Hanley Ramirez on an in-field play. In the mean time, we’ll wonder about how the French riot and plan our Game 4 road trip - should the Flyers be so fortunate. And then we’ll mourn the fact that our dream of a date with Lord Stanley has gone unfulfilled. Some entities long to make a profit, we long to hold that vessel tight. For one moment anyway.
But one Fantoo dream has been realized? We’ve connected with sports fans across the globe, many of which share our demented sense of humor. And that is priceless. We toast to you in this week’s IT HAS TO BE SAID. So grab your hankie, your glass and your belly when it laughs…it’s time to talk sports with The Girls!
Sabbaticals, Perfect Games and Bulging Discs with The Girls!
Today The Girls are coming to you live from their second-to-last show! For a while anyway. We’ve decided to take a sabbatical. Carol is going to get her doctorate in something inane and Robin is going to raise exotic animals for humane (not human!) slaughter. Both enterprising and selfless endeavors, to be sure. We plan on going out with a bang, so be a participant in our last show. Send in your questions, your fond farewell wishes, and any and all criticism directed at Robin Carol and we’ll be sure to include it on the Fantoo Girls swan song. Don’t worry - we’ll be back in some form in the future. But for now we have world problems to solve and margaritas to be drunk.
And sports…there’s always the sports…In this week’s podcast we shred Coach Mike Knowles for being a biatch and stealing an unearned victory from a high school girls track team over a technicality. Coach, grow up, and while you’re at it set a good example. It’s high school dude.
LT - the only thing we have to say to you is, quite frankly, you’re dead to us. Guys like you (and this is coming from 2 girls who thought you were genius on the field) set an example for other athletes that it’s alright to mistreat women, and in your case young girls. It’s despicable behavior that will not be tolerated by the public anymore. All athletes should be on notice: you screw up after we’ve spent our hard-earned cash to see your games and buy your gear and we’ll desert you before you can call time.
We won’t be deserting Dallas Braden anytime soon! Not only is he old-school, and not afraid to tell A-Rod to stick it (or was that his grandmother?), he’s self-deprecating and a damn good pitcher. One of only 19 in the history of major league baseball to pitch a perfect game. We will be forever fans, so don’t screw up.
Roy Halladay will make his ‘away’ debut against his former team, the Toronto Blue Jays, in the city of Philadelphia. No, that’s not a major league screw up, it’s due to the conflict with the G20 Summit. Who knew Bud Selig had his finger on the pulse of world politics? By now everyone knows that Ken Griffey, Jr. fell asleep during the game and was not available for a pinch hit appearance in the 8th inning. What many of you don’t know is that we snuck into the clubhouse and dipped his thumb in warm water. He totally peed. And now the Seattle players are icing out the reporter who wrote the story. Guys, you may want the only reporter who’s interested in covering you to have some access or the world might forget that the Mariners are a baseball team.
The NBA playoffs have been overshadowed by LeBaby’s hissy fit. Or was it simply that he all of the sudden sucks? Let’s hope it’s the latter because if he tanked a playoff game to make a point there may be some pretty ticked off guys named Ricky and Guido coming for him. SI asks if Shaq ‘Grandpappy’ O’Neal can deliver a ring to the King. We ask, Does Shaq even have credentials to enter the building?
The Flyers are on the cusp of a Disney Movie and the Canadiens send the Pens packing to the delight of all of Canada, despite the negative affect it will has on Sidney Crosby (and the NHL?). He can cry in his wine with Ovie and snuggle with his teddy bear. If the Flyers can’t reach for the Cup than The Girls are praying to Lord Stanley for a Canadiens VS Blackhawks finals with Canada taking it home. ROAD TRIP TO MONTREAL FOR THE PARADE! Finally, in this week’s IT HAS TO BE SAID we suggest a new line of scented candles. So grab your nose, your rally towel and glass of champagne…to toast us of course…it’s time to talk sports with The Girls!
We celebrated Cinco de Mayo with margaritas and too many chips and dip - but it was worth it. Apparently we needed fuel to sustain us through the loss of Los Flyers and the win of Los Suns.
Episode 215
Today The Girls (Las Chicas Fantoo) are coming to you live from Cinco de Mayo, where we ponder the hard-line stance taken by Arizona’s Governor Jan Brewer against illegal immigrants. Should Bud Selig pull the All-Star game from Arizona? Is it fair to suck him into this mess created by the federal government’s inability to monitor the borders of this country? Bud says he’s going to take that pitch. Clever.
The Girls are just going to drink their perfect margaritas and celebrate Mexico. And give you all you need to know about sports in this week’s podcast. Starting with Tiger’s meltdown, Rafael Nadal’s return, and Max Jean Gilles’ lap band surgery - which was so ill-timed we expect his retirement to be the next announcement.
Perhaps the Eagles should blame Rex Ryan. Max, dude…you’re an athlete. You get paid to stay in shape. You are not Al Roker, although you do resemble him, 10 years back. Push away form the cans of mac and cheese, lay off the high fructose corn syrup, and break a sweat on occasion. If Kirstie Alley can do it, so can you.
Who dat pilfering Vicodin, you ask? Perhaps some high-ranking Saints executives. We’re thinking Congress ought to forget about Roger Clemens and focus on the pharmaceutical industry’s penchant for distributing narcotics to every Tom, Dick and Tiger that wants them. Hasn’t this gotten out of control? No wonder marijuana is being decriminalized left and right - it’s the pills that are addictive and the major sports leagues better be taking a tough stand on this issue. Hard to play when you’re jonesing for a Percocet and all you can get your hands on is an Adderall.
Bet the kid who was tasered by the fat cop at Citizens Bank Park wishes he had a Percocet! Look, man…if you can’t tackle you can’t wear the badge.
Getting tasered is fun for these kids! Slap a massive fine on them and you won’t see kids jumping the wall anymore. Philadelphia doesn’t need any more help with its bad reputation. Great, now we have to defend fat cops who taser kids. Joy. We also take you through the playoffs this week. Yes, even the NBA. And we close with a funny serious IT HAS TO BE SAID. So grab your Plan B, a taser shield and the best tequila you can find…it’s time to talk sports with The Girls!
